I purposefully did not write or think about this HOF speech until today. I wanted whatever I wrote to accurately describe the way that I am feeling right now. Here I am at 100 days, which is 90 more days that I ever have been tobacco-free in the last 18 years.
Truth be told I have mixed feelings right now. On the one hand, I am proud of myself, happy I made it thus far, but I am also disappointed. I am disappointed because so long ago I imagined 100 days would mean that I wouldn’t even think about dipping. It would be a memory, and an accomplishment, and it would be in the past. However, today I woke up with my jaw hurting, a feeling of anxiousness and a craving for some wintergreen. I was even a bit angry this morning, I mean this was my day 100, this was me becoming a vet. But then I went to KTC and posted my promise on roll. I went back in to my routine of reading all the posts that missed from the last time I logged on, and bitching to myself that the roll post is too damn long to see on my phone. But as I was reading through the posts, I noticed that as usual my anxiety began to lessen. I also then realized, that while I am proud to be at the 100 day mark, I am nowhere near the end of this journey. It’s a good lesson to learn, but frankly it sucks.
All that being said, I am proud of myself. I started dipping in college, and kept at it for over a decade on Grizzly or Skoal wintergreen. I am a professional, and having to pretend I was constantly drinking coffee, when in fact I was spitting crap into a cup sucks. By the way, the spit cup is the most vile thing I can think of. Especially considering how many times I have accidentally drank from the wrong cup/ bottle and had to desperately try not to heave all over my car. Through all of that I kept dipping. Unfortunately though, things got worse for me when I discovered Swedish Snus. These were the pouches where I did not have to spit anything out. I paid 8.50 for a can of the pouches every other day. I was able to keep one in my mouth pretty much 24×7 and would even sleep with them. My kids would find these discarded pouches everywhere I went. In the folds of the couch, next to the bed, in the washing machine, like I said everywhere.
I don’t know what finally did it this time, but I decided enough was enough. I knew of KTC because I actually found out it a couple of years ago on vacation when I lost my bag and didn’t have my snus I quit. That lasted all of vacation until I got home and quickly bought a new can. But the time was finally here, and I took the plunge.
These last 100 days I have been infuriated by the vets, and some of my brothers. I have been shocked by some caves I have seen but ultimately feel to the marrow of my bones that this is where I belong. I don’t agree with some of the attitudes around here which I have made clear, but then again what the vets do spending their time helping out others in unbelievable. Thank you. And a big thankyou to my brothers who have been there whenever I asked for it, and especially when I have not.
One of my key leanings that I wanted to mention about roll before I stop. Roll is of course a way to promise the group that you will not use that day. However it is also a way of saying no. A lot of the days (besides the beginning) it isn’t that hard to say no and post roll each morning. But I know that this builds me up for the tough days. I have 100 days of practice saying no. I now can say no when a friend mistakenly offers, when I head to the gas station, when days like today I get the crave. And that my brothers is a beautiful thing. Thank you.