Yet again, I sit to write this HOF speech 118 days after quitting dipping for good. Each time I begin to write, so many issues and ideas and concepts crash into each other I simply lock up, end up with a bunch of mindless wanderings, erase it all and decide to come back another day.
I suppose a start would be nice in terms of returning to the beginning 27 years ago when I had my first dip. Drinking with a buddy, he had a can of copenhagen, was doing the finger flip thing to pack it, and offered me one, which at first I turned down. Then, I tried the finger flip thing and managed to spill the enitre contents of he tin all over his room. Some how, after cleaning it up, he guilted me into having my first dip. Burnt like hell, vomited right away, and was buzzed for quite a while. Swore I would never have another one, but low and behold, dipped the next night and my addiction was off and running.
Over the next 27 years, finishing college, serving in the army, going back to college, and working various jobs, I found myself hating dipping 118 days ago. I hated the way I hid it, hated the feeling when the cans were getting low, the planning, the logistics of dipping the smell of a fucked up spit can. But most of all, the constant NEED for a DIP. It ruled everything I did. So, I quit.
Now enter Kill The Can; after two days of cold turkey, I needed help, you all know the foggy shit, not crapping, mouth sores, hunger, weight gain, bed sweats – yup I had it all and searched, or googled rather, quit help on the internet and found this place. I introduced myself, and found my month, and began posting roll. Went to chat a lot and met some real friends who were doing and experiencing what I was. American Nurse, Colton, Steve S, Crabbr, Gomer, and many more who helped me stay quit and taught me many lessons with their own experiences.
Interacting with my quit month partners was also a great help, or at least reading about what they went through, were going through and will be going through was something I found to be invaluable, and priceless. I would say that at the 118 day mark, there is one thing that I have learned more than anything else and is perhaps the most difficult thing to admit for any of us: I am addicted to Nicotine, always will be, there is no cure, I can never use again. Once this thought entered my head, I think the path cleared up for me, it was not about some anthropomorphic personification whispering shit into my ear, it was about me wanting another dip, just one more, it wont matter, I am the addict, not somebody else, I have to deal with this. If I fail, I fail.
Knowing this and learning it from my quit brothers and sisters, made it easier to listen to what they were saying, got the ego out of the way, told my self to shut up and learn, find the tools to keep quit, read about those who have gone before, contribute where you can, and above all, hold your self accountable to yourself and your quit group and KTC. I make a promise on this site every single day to myself and my group, and even KTC that I am addicted to nicotine and I will not use today every day.