Spousal Support

Spousal SupportSteps To Helping Your Spouse Stay Quit

  1. Don’t nag. It won’t help and will only cause underlying feelings of anger and resentment, all of which are likely to drive your spouse back to the can out of spite. DO NOT throw away your spouses stash. That is their decision to make and if you do it, we are back to the spite thing. WE will make sure they flush it BEFORE they are allowed to post a Day 1 here.
  2. Realize that your spouse has to quit because he/she wants to. Your spouse can’t quit for you or for your children. Without the “want” of doing it, as opposed to the “being told to”, “the promise to”, “the deadline has arrived”, “the guilt” of doing it, chances are the quit will fail.
  3. Support is crucial! Be involved, in a positive way, in your spouse’s quit! Ask what day it is. (There is a quit tracker on the homepage of this site that will keep track of days quit and dollars saved) Tell him/her that you know it is hard and you are proud of him/her for what he/she is doing. Don’t be condescending. Don’t smother. Find the line and toe it.
  4. Gear up; it’s going to be a rough ride! It is important that you know that you will be the target of anger or sudden outbursts. You must know that this is all part of quitting the addiction and ridding the body and mind of the nasty chemicals and dependency that so many of us were foolish enough to subject ourselves to. When the anger gets directed towards you or other family members realize what is going on. Remove the kids from the battle zone, remove yourself. This will pass. We encourage all quitters to come to our site to vent and rage. Get mad at the vets on the site. Vent to other quitters who are going through the same thing or have been where your spouse is now. We have come to love the rage. It signifies healing and recovery. Directed towards the right people (us) it is healthy.
  5. Encourage, allow, desire that your spouse become active on our web site. An overwhelming majority of successful quitters will testify that they could not have succeeded without the support of the people and information on the site. Know that if your spouse is active on the site, he/she will make friends with complete strangers. Internet friends. Your spouse will hopefully give out a phone number and take phone numbers in. There is nothing hinky in this. It is all part of the support system. Spouses have been told, “Honey, I have friends that I have never met, all over the country. They feel like brothers to me and I owe them my life.” Many of us have met in person too. As we travel, we make plans to get together. Organized weekend get-togethers have been done. There is a camaraderie that is generated, that is hard to explain, but wonderful to experience.
  6. Understand that this is going to be the most difficult thing your spouse has ever done. It will also be the most rewarding (just short of marrying you, I’m sure). Internal battles will rage. This board is their outlet. If the rage, short temper, etc. are manifesting itself in ways that affect your relationship, encourage them to see a doctor. Some of us had no choice but to resort to medication to save the world from ourselves. There is no shame in it. It won’t be a permanent thing, just for a couple months. Depression can also be symptom of nicotine cessation. It’s completely normal. If you notice withdrawal from family or friends, again, get them to a doctor. Be encouraging, remember, he’s a big burly man that thinks the last thing he needs is medication to cope. Send a vet a PM and we’ll explain it to them for you; you can stay completely out of it.
  7. Quitting is a wonderful time of self discovery and reflection. Like most of us your spouse probably can’t remember much about life without a can. He can’t remember how he acted, handled situations, etc. This is the fun part of quitting because he gets to, in some ways; condition his mind to hopefully be a better person.
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  1. I want to support my spouse but he has special circumstances. I need extra help. Is there a spouse forum?

  2. Guys dont get down if your wife isnt as proud as you are of yourself. My wife has no clue how powerful this addiction is.She has never even had a smoke or a drink in her life. Anyway day 7 and Im as proud as a peacock

  3. My husband promised to quit, does, then starts again. I’m sick of the lies and deceit. I hate how weak he is and it’s making me hate him. I have no sympathy. He very clearly, does not value out marriage, or our family.

    • I know how you feel JanK – or my wife does. But without knowing your husband at all, I wouldn’t say he “very clearly does not value your marriage or family” but I’d say he’s “very clearly an addict”. I realize it’s difficult to have sympathy, but realize that he’s dealing with something that if you’ve never done it, you can’t truly understand. Send him our way… he’ll be among people that know what he’s going through. http://forum.killthecan.org

      • Unfortunately, he doesn’t have an “addiction”, so he will never come here to seek support. He quits if he wants, and starts back up because he wants to. After reading about the addiction and withdrawal symptoms, I can recognize that that’s not the case. He’s got the “it won’t happen to me” mentality, regarding cancer. It’s quite sad.

        • Jank – I’m on Day 7 today. I’ve done exactly what your husband has done. My wife feels the same way you do.

          I can not speak for your husband, but I can share that I love my wife and kids with all of my heart. I’ve quit at times for long periods and then some trigger has sent me back. I finally realized it was time to stop. My wife is not supportive of my quit, as she does not understand the addiction, she does not smoke or drink. To her I should have never had this habit,. The fact that I hid it from her she takes as a trust and love issue.

          This is my struggle. I do love my wife and I respect her. When I read about addicts and learn more, I realize my actions have been those of an addict. I’d encourage your husband to read up on what an addict is.

          I hope your husband makes a decision to quit on his own, as that is the only way it will stick. I also hope you can find a way to be supportive of his quit if and when he makes that decision.

          I’m no role model, just a guy trying to finally get rid of this habit so I can be the husband, father and man I’ve always wanted to be.

          Dan P (Quit date 2/22/2014)

          FYI – I think this post may have been more for me than anyone else. Thanks for reading my story.

  4. just found out today that my husband never quit a few years ago like I thought he did. I must be the dumbest clueless wife around. He is going to try to quit and I want to support him.. trying really hard not to be upset about all of this since I think he is upset enough for both of us. He won’t get on this site since he does not use a computer and when I try to read some of it out to him he does not want to hear about it. Well he listens for awhile and nods and agrees with everything. I see what you all say you go through and I am pretty much ready for the nasty to come out.. Wish there was another way. Any suggestions? bought him hard candy, sunflower seeds.. anything else? the worst thing is he is retired and home all day alone while I work. Hopefully once the weather gets better he can get back out in the garden..

    • Annie,

      I would definitely recommend some herbal snuff. Hard candy and sunflower seeds are good to help take your mind off of it, but Smokey Mountain herbal snuff has been a life saver for me thus far. I would certainly give it a shot with that. I have tried a few different brands of herbal snuff, but for me, Smokey Mountain has been the tastiest.

      Hope it is going well for you!

      • thank you Tyler! So far he has said he has not chewed since March 29th. I am so proud of him. I do not nag nor do I bring it up much. I will get him some of the Smokey Mountain stuff although he seem to be doing okay.

  5. My fiance has been using chew since he was a teenager. I’ve been with him for nearly 8 years. He knows it isn’t good for him and wants to quit. He has cut back a lot since we first met. He is willing to quit, but needs something to help. I just ordered a can of Bacc Off for him to try. I’ll order anything I need to get him to quit. He tried Smokey Mountain in the past, but didn’t care for it. Any suggestions on anything else to try if the Bacc Off isn’t to his taste would be appreciated. I’ve been reading reviews and searching everywhere for something. I wish more stores carried products so they would be more accessible. I’m really happy that he is serious about quitting. I know it is going to be tough on both of us, but we know it is for the best.

  6. I need help knowing how to support my boyfriend to quit dip….. We are not married, but I love him so much. I want to just cry reading the above article. I feel like I did all that the 1st paragraph said not to. It has never once been my intention to push him or make him resent me. Thank you for this article & everyones comments too, I can not tell you how much insight it’s given me. I’m going to start by asking any more advice anyone could give ‘the supportive girlfriend’ & also try to introduce my boyfriend to this sight. Thank God for ya’ll really

  7. I found your site while trying to better educate myself about dip addiction and how to help my boyfriend quit. I must say, it is an amazing resource and I thank you. I am a cancer survivor (not tobacco/nicotine related) and smoking/dip is a highly sensitive issue for me. I found out after our first few months of dating that he had lied to me and was smoking/dipping the entire time. While I felt highly betrayed, I worked through the trust issue and focused on trying to help him quit. He promised to finish out a week of smoking (which he did) and asked for about 3 weeks to dip to get him to a quit date. I respected and encouraged that. It has now been months of him dipping with no resolution. It causes us arguments and while he said he’d never do it around my kids, he now does all the time. It’s an especially sensitive issue for me being both a cancer survivor and mom of 2 young boys. Today, he said he wanted to get an ecigarette. I feel like that is a step in the wrong direction and is just yet another substitute instead of genuinely trying to quit. Plus, I am not ok having my boys see that smoking action or the unknown effects of the not-so-safe vapor. We want to plan a life together but this is so huge for me. I genuinely want more than anything to be supportive but don’t want to be strung along with something he may never really have the intention to do. I’ve recommended he check out this site but he wasn’t receptive to it today. I know this site is for him and not me. I suppose I just hoped to gain a bit of clarity from those who have been through it. :)

  8. My husband started dipping About 6months ago. He started just at work at strict job sites where there was No smoking on premises. He then quit smoking with an electronic cigarette and began dipping more and more often. I HATE it. Had he done this when I met him we would not be married it is a deal breaker for me. He says he is cutting down but every time he does it we have a huge fight. I know that isn’t helping but I feel like with 7 billion people on this world I married one who doesn’t care about my opinion. It makes me so unattracted and I view him as being weak and making excuses. I quit smoking cold turkey and never got sympathy for it. I feel like the worst wife and I tell myself to be patient and supportive and it will help more than anger but I can’t help it in the moment. Help me!!!

  9. I am in a tough situation right now and I need support to get me through it. My boyfriend has been doing dip for over 15 years and he’s only 37. He has tried quitting a couple times but never has been successful for more than a few weeks (which I thought was amazing in itself). During that time he was a completely different person, calm, collected, approachable, and he was a lot more relaxed our his children. It was so nice to be around him. But he keeps picking back up again and it is starting to aggravate me. He’s lazy, gets mad easier, leaves dip cans ALL over the house and car. And worst of all, when he’s chewing, he isolates himself fr us and goes and plays videogames. He will tell him kids not to bother him when they are annoying him. Thank god his children haven’t consumed any of it by now on accident. This behavior is getting to me. I do not want to leave him over this because that seems a little drastic. But, I am beginning to think about it. We want children of our own some day and I definitely don’t want him chewing still by then. He says that when I bring it up it only makes him more stressed, but I’m tired of enabling it. Not to mention, we BOTH are recovering alcoholics , so I know when he is manipulating and rationalizing the addictive behaviors. Please help because I’m totally stuck on what to do. Thanks :)

  10. My husband’s mother passed away just last Tuesday (8/5/14) And of all the nights for me to find out that my husband has been smoking, that would be the night. His uncle kinda slipped up by saying something. I was going to deal with it AFTER he grieved the lost of his mom. He works offshore and was actually on his way out to work before he got the call to come home. I was there at his family’s waiting for him. (thats when I found out) He finally pulled up a couple hours later. I didn’t say anything or do anything. Was just there for him. A little bit later I went in his truck to see if my suspicions were correct. I had THOUGHT it was a smoke here and there. Like bumming off others or whatnot. Also I have seen proof of it here and there for a LONG time. Finding small lighters in his pockets, in the washer/dryer, even in my truck. Also once I found a rolled up butt in the washer and when he denied it was his I actually questioned my 9 yr old son. (He looked at me like I was retarded. lol) But I never said more then that. Just when I seen something I questioned it and that was it. I’m far from stupid and I notice little things. Even noticed the smell once on him. Again didn’t go into a big thing about it. When we first met he smoke VERY RARELY. At least around me. So I never thought it was a problem. He told me he only smoked like 2 or 3 at most in a day. I told him then he shouldn’t even smoke at all. And it wouldn’t take much for him to quit. He never smoked around me again. And we pretty much lived together only a month after we started dating. Keep in mind he works offshore. So he’ gone 2 weeks and home 2 weeks. He’s around me nearly 24/7 when he’s home. So I feel SO stupid that I never knew what was really going on behind my back. What I found in his truck. A brand new pack of cigs AND a 5 PACK OF SNUFF. I LOST IT!!!!! Let me also say this. I am 3 months pregnant. So my emotions are not my own right now and haven’t been for the last 2 months. I still didn’t lose my cool in front of the family. I went up to him and asked him to come talk to me. I TALKED to him. Didn’t yell or anything like that. I asked him how long he’d been smoking. He acted like he didn’t understand the question. And just went on lying to me. Thats when I threw the cigs and snuff at him. Still just talking. I asked him one final time and begged him to be honest. He said our entire relationship. I was floored and beyond hurt. I said thank you and walked away. Let me also add this. I am an ex smoker. I smoked for about 10 yrs. a pack to sometimes 2 packs a day. I quit Nov. 18, 2009. So going on 5 yrs. Granted for me I wasn’t really addicted to it. I stopped cold turkey. I know. lucky me. He doesn’t smoke or dip (YUCK!) while he’s home. And if he can go 2 weeks every month without it then its not a habit. Sorry, just how I feel about it. Also one other thing that I should add thats important. His mother just passed because of smoking. She got lung cancer a couple yrs ago. STILL smoked after she found out. Actually beat it. Yet STILL smoked. Then she had a fall and shortly after found out she had a brain tumor. The Dr’s say the fall unlogged some cancer that was apparently left over and it moved to her brain. She died like 6 months later if not sooner. Also he just lost his step dad to lung cancer last year in Sept. I love my husband more then life. I love him with every ounce of my being. So the thought of losing him is unbearable. And I can’t watch him die like his step dad and mom. I’m a pretty healthy person and try my best for my whole family to be the same. Dipping the one of the nastiest things anyone can do, along with smoking. I can’t be with a toothless person. lol Also I worry about mouth cancer. And just the thought of kissing a mouth that has dipped (rather they brush or not) discuss me. I am still SO hurt of being deceived our entire relationship. (Nov. 9th will be 3 yrs) I am trying so hard to let it go. To forgive him and to move on from this. But it keeps crossing my mind. I am far from perfect. But I could not lie to him everyday that I’ve known him. How can you do that to someone you claim you love and cherish. We tried for close to a year to get pregnant after my surgery. (Had to have my tubes reversed so we could have a baby) and he knew that smoking can hinder a couple from conceiving. That makes me mad also. Anyway. getting off topic. I’m sorry this got so long. But I figure if you knew all the details if would better help everyone understand exactly whats going on. He has once again promised me he is totally done with tobacco/nicotine. (I get these intuitions about things and one day out the blue I asked if he had been smoking while at work. He said yes and promised it wouldn’t happen again). But anyway. here is my story. As much as I love him I don’t think I could stay with someone that doesnt care enough about his health and quality of life to stop doing what he knows is bad and can shorten his life with his family.

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