Spousal Support

Spousal SupportSteps To Helping Your Spouse Stay Quit

  1. Don’t nag. It won’t help and will only cause underlying feelings of anger and resentment, all of which are likely to drive your spouse back to the can out of spite. DO NOT throw away your spouses stash. That is their decision to make and if you do it, we are back to the spite thing. WE will make sure they flush it BEFORE they are allowed to post a Day 1 here.
  2. Realize that your spouse has to quit because he/she wants to. Your spouse can’t quit for you or for your children. Without the “want” of doing it, as opposed to the “being told to”, “the promise to”, “the deadline has arrived”, “the guilt” of doing it, chances are the quit will fail.
  3. Support is crucial! Be involved, in a positive way, in your spouse’s quit! Ask what day it is. (There is a quit tracker on the homepage of this site that will keep track of days quit and dollars saved) Tell him/her that you know it is hard and you are proud of him/her for what he/she is doing. Don’t be condescending. Don’t smother. Find the line and toe it.
  4. Gear up; it’s going to be a rough ride! It is important that you know that you will be the target of anger or sudden outbursts. You must know that this is all part of quitting the addiction and ridding the body and mind of the nasty chemicals and dependency that so many of us were foolish enough to subject ourselves to. When the anger gets directed towards you or other family members realize what is going on. Remove the kids from the battle zone, remove yourself. This will pass. We encourage all quitters to come to our site to vent and rage. Get mad at the vets on the site. Vent to other quitters who are going through the same thing or have been where your spouse is now. We have come to love the rage. It signifies healing and recovery. Directed towards the right people (us) it is healthy.
  5. Encourage, allow, desire that your spouse become active on our web site. An overwhelming majority of successful quitters will testify that they could not have succeeded without the support of the people and information on the site. Know that if your spouse is active on the site, he/she will make friends with complete strangers. Internet friends. Your spouse will hopefully give out a phone number and take phone numbers in. There is nothing hinky in this. It is all part of the support system. Spouses have been told, “Honey, I have friends that I have never met, all over the country. They feel like brothers to me and I owe them my life.” Many of us have met in person too. As we travel, we make plans to get together. Organized weekend get-togethers have been done. There is a camaraderie that is generated, that is hard to explain, but wonderful to experience.
  6. Understand that this is going to be the most difficult thing your spouse has ever done. It will also be the most rewarding (just short of marrying you, I’m sure). Internal battles will rage. This board is their outlet. If the rage, short temper, etc. are manifesting itself in ways that affect your relationship, encourage them to see a doctor. Some of us had no choice but to resort to medication to save the world from ourselves. There is no shame in it. It won’t be a permanent thing, just for a couple months. Depression can also be symptom of nicotine cessation. It’s completely normal. If you notice withdrawal from family or friends, again, get them to a doctor. Be encouraging, remember, he’s a big burly man that thinks the last thing he needs is medication to cope. Send a vet a PM and we’ll explain it to them for you; you can stay completely out of it.
  7. Quitting is a wonderful time of self discovery and reflection. Like most of us your spouse probably can’t remember much about life without a can. He can’t remember how he acted, handled situations, etc. This is the fun part of quitting because he gets to, in some ways; condition his mind to hopefully be a better person.
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  1. I want to support my spouse but he has special circumstances. I need extra help. Is there a spouse forum?

  2. Guys dont get down if your wife isnt as proud as you are of yourself. My wife has no clue how powerful this addiction is.She has never even had a smoke or a drink in her life. Anyway day 7 and Im as proud as a peacock

  3. My husband promised to quit, does, then starts again. I’m sick of the lies and deceit. I hate how weak he is and it’s making me hate him. I have no sympathy. He very clearly, does not value out marriage, or our family.

    • I know how you feel JanK – or my wife does. But without knowing your husband at all, I wouldn’t say he “very clearly does not value your marriage or family” but I’d say he’s “very clearly an addict”. I realize it’s difficult to have sympathy, but realize that he’s dealing with something that if you’ve never done it, you can’t truly understand. Send him our way… he’ll be among people that know what he’s going through. http://forum.killthecan.org

      • Unfortunately, he doesn’t have an “addiction”, so he will never come here to seek support. He quits if he wants, and starts back up because he wants to. After reading about the addiction and withdrawal symptoms, I can recognize that that’s not the case. He’s got the “it won’t happen to me” mentality, regarding cancer. It’s quite sad.

        • Jank – I’m on Day 7 today. I’ve done exactly what your husband has done. My wife feels the same way you do.

          I can not speak for your husband, but I can share that I love my wife and kids with all of my heart. I’ve quit at times for long periods and then some trigger has sent me back. I finally realized it was time to stop. My wife is not supportive of my quit, as she does not understand the addiction, she does not smoke or drink. To her I should have never had this habit,. The fact that I hid it from her she takes as a trust and love issue.

          This is my struggle. I do love my wife and I respect her. When I read about addicts and learn more, I realize my actions have been those of an addict. I’d encourage your husband to read up on what an addict is.

          I hope your husband makes a decision to quit on his own, as that is the only way it will stick. I also hope you can find a way to be supportive of his quit if and when he makes that decision.

          I’m no role model, just a guy trying to finally get rid of this habit so I can be the husband, father and man I’ve always wanted to be.

          Dan P (Quit date 2/22/2014)

          FYI – I think this post may have been more for me than anyone else. Thanks for reading my story.

  4. just found out today that my husband never quit a few years ago like I thought he did. I must be the dumbest clueless wife around. He is going to try to quit and I want to support him.. trying really hard not to be upset about all of this since I think he is upset enough for both of us. He won’t get on this site since he does not use a computer and when I try to read some of it out to him he does not want to hear about it. Well he listens for awhile and nods and agrees with everything. I see what you all say you go through and I am pretty much ready for the nasty to come out.. Wish there was another way. Any suggestions? bought him hard candy, sunflower seeds.. anything else? the worst thing is he is retired and home all day alone while I work. Hopefully once the weather gets better he can get back out in the garden..

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