Spousal Support

Spousal SupportSteps To Helping Your Spouse Stay Quit

  1. Don’t nag. It won’t help and will only cause underlying feelings of anger and resentment, all of which are likely to drive your spouse back to the can out of spite. DO NOT throw away your spouses stash. That is their decision to make and if you do it, we are back to the spite thing. WE will make sure they flush it BEFORE they are allowed to post a Day 1 here.
  2. Realize that your spouse has to quit because he/she wants to. Your spouse can’t quit for you or for your children. Without the “want” of doing it, as opposed to the “being told to”, “the promise to”, “the deadline has arrived”, “the guilt” of doing it, chances are the quit will fail.
  3. Support is crucial! Be involved, in a positive way, in your spouse’s quit! Ask what day it is. (There is a quit tracker on the homepage of this site that will keep track of days quit and dollars saved) Tell him/her that you know it is hard and you are proud of him/her for what he/she is doing. Don’t be condescending. Don’t smother. Find the line and toe it.
  4. Gear up; it’s going to be a rough ride! It is important that you know that you will be the target of anger or sudden outbursts. You must know that this is all part of quitting the addiction and ridding the body and mind of the nasty chemicals and dependency that so many of us were foolish enough to subject ourselves to. When the anger gets directed towards you or other family members realize what is going on. Remove the kids from the battle zone, remove yourself. This will pass. We encourage all quitters to come to our site to vent and rage. Get mad at the vets on the site. Vent to other quitters who are going through the same thing or have been where your spouse is now. We have come to love the rage. It signifies healing and recovery. Directed towards the right people (us) it is healthy.
  5. Encourage, allow, desire that your spouse become active on our web site. An overwhelming majority of successful quitters will testify that they could not have succeeded without the support of the people and information on the site. Know that if your spouse is active on the site, he/she will make friends with complete strangers. Internet friends. Your spouse will hopefully give out a phone number and take phone numbers in. There is nothing hinky in this. It is all part of the support system. Spouses have been told, “Honey, I have friends that I have never met, all over the country. They feel like brothers to me and I owe them my life.” Many of us have met in person too. As we travel, we make plans to get together. Organized weekend get-togethers have been done. There is a camaraderie that is generated, that is hard to explain, but wonderful to experience.
  6. Understand that this is going to be the most difficult thing your spouse has ever done. It will also be the most rewarding (just short of marrying you, I’m sure). Internal battles will rage. This board is their outlet. If the rage, short temper, etc. are manifesting itself in ways that affect your relationship, encourage them to see a doctor. Some of us had no choice but to resort to medication to save the world from ourselves. There is no shame in it. It won’t be a permanent thing, just for a couple months. Depression can also be symptom of nicotine cessation. It’s completely normal. If you notice withdrawal from family or friends, again, get them to a doctor. Be encouraging, remember, he’s a big burly man that thinks the last thing he needs is medication to cope. Send a vet a PM and we’ll explain it to them for you; you can stay completely out of it.
  7. Quitting is a wonderful time of self discovery and reflection. Like most of us your spouse probably can’t remember much about life without a can. He can’t remember how he acted, handled situations, etc. This is the fun part of quitting because he gets to, in some ways; condition his mind to hopefully be a better person.
Share ThisShare on Facebook70Tweet about this on Twitter2Share on Google+5Share on LinkedIn0Email this to someone


  1. I want to support my spouse but he has special circumstances. I need extra help. Is there a spouse forum?

  2. Guys dont get down if your wife isnt as proud as you are of yourself. My wife has no clue how powerful this addiction is.She has never even had a smoke or a drink in her life. Anyway day 7 and Im as proud as a peacock

  3. My husband promised to quit, does, then starts again. I’m sick of the lies and deceit. I hate how weak he is and it’s making me hate him. I have no sympathy. He very clearly, does not value out marriage, or our family.

    • I know how you feel JanK – or my wife does. But without knowing your husband at all, I wouldn’t say he “very clearly does not value your marriage or family” but I’d say he’s “very clearly an addict”. I realize it’s difficult to have sympathy, but realize that he’s dealing with something that if you’ve never done it, you can’t truly understand. Send him our way… he’ll be among people that know what he’s going through. http://forum.killthecan.org

      • Unfortunately, he doesn’t have an “addiction”, so he will never come here to seek support. He quits if he wants, and starts back up because he wants to. After reading about the addiction and withdrawal symptoms, I can recognize that that’s not the case. He’s got the “it won’t happen to me” mentality, regarding cancer. It’s quite sad.

        • Jank – I’m on Day 7 today. I’ve done exactly what your husband has done. My wife feels the same way you do.

          I can not speak for your husband, but I can share that I love my wife and kids with all of my heart. I’ve quit at times for long periods and then some trigger has sent me back. I finally realized it was time to stop. My wife is not supportive of my quit, as she does not understand the addiction, she does not smoke or drink. To her I should have never had this habit,. The fact that I hid it from her she takes as a trust and love issue.

          This is my struggle. I do love my wife and I respect her. When I read about addicts and learn more, I realize my actions have been those of an addict. I’d encourage your husband to read up on what an addict is.

          I hope your husband makes a decision to quit on his own, as that is the only way it will stick. I also hope you can find a way to be supportive of his quit if and when he makes that decision.

          I’m no role model, just a guy trying to finally get rid of this habit so I can be the husband, father and man I’ve always wanted to be.

          Dan P (Quit date 2/22/2014)

          FYI – I think this post may have been more for me than anyone else. Thanks for reading my story.

  4. just found out today that my husband never quit a few years ago like I thought he did. I must be the dumbest clueless wife around. He is going to try to quit and I want to support him.. trying really hard not to be upset about all of this since I think he is upset enough for both of us. He won’t get on this site since he does not use a computer and when I try to read some of it out to him he does not want to hear about it. Well he listens for awhile and nods and agrees with everything. I see what you all say you go through and I am pretty much ready for the nasty to come out.. Wish there was another way. Any suggestions? bought him hard candy, sunflower seeds.. anything else? the worst thing is he is retired and home all day alone while I work. Hopefully once the weather gets better he can get back out in the garden..

    • Annie,

      I would definitely recommend some herbal snuff. Hard candy and sunflower seeds are good to help take your mind off of it, but Smokey Mountain herbal snuff has been a life saver for me thus far. I would certainly give it a shot with that. I have tried a few different brands of herbal snuff, but for me, Smokey Mountain has been the tastiest.

      Hope it is going well for you!

      • thank you Tyler! So far he has said he has not chewed since March 29th. I am so proud of him. I do not nag nor do I bring it up much. I will get him some of the Smokey Mountain stuff although he seem to be doing okay.

  5. My fiance has been using chew since he was a teenager. I’ve been with him for nearly 8 years. He knows it isn’t good for him and wants to quit. He has cut back a lot since we first met. He is willing to quit, but needs something to help. I just ordered a can of Bacc Off for him to try. I’ll order anything I need to get him to quit. He tried Smokey Mountain in the past, but didn’t care for it. Any suggestions on anything else to try if the Bacc Off isn’t to his taste would be appreciated. I’ve been reading reviews and searching everywhere for something. I wish more stores carried products so they would be more accessible. I’m really happy that he is serious about quitting. I know it is going to be tough on both of us, but we know it is for the best.

  6. I need help knowing how to support my boyfriend to quit dip….. We are not married, but I love him so much. I want to just cry reading the above article. I feel like I did all that the 1st paragraph said not to. It has never once been my intention to push him or make him resent me. Thank you for this article & everyones comments too, I can not tell you how much insight it’s given me. I’m going to start by asking any more advice anyone could give ‘the supportive girlfriend’ & also try to introduce my boyfriend to this sight. Thank God for ya’ll really

  7. I found your site while trying to better educate myself about dip addiction and how to help my boyfriend quit. I must say, it is an amazing resource and I thank you. I am a cancer survivor (not tobacco/nicotine related) and smoking/dip is a highly sensitive issue for me. I found out after our first few months of dating that he had lied to me and was smoking/dipping the entire time. While I felt highly betrayed, I worked through the trust issue and focused on trying to help him quit. He promised to finish out a week of smoking (which he did) and asked for about 3 weeks to dip to get him to a quit date. I respected and encouraged that. It has now been months of him dipping with no resolution. It causes us arguments and while he said he’d never do it around my kids, he now does all the time. It’s an especially sensitive issue for me being both a cancer survivor and mom of 2 young boys. Today, he said he wanted to get an ecigarette. I feel like that is a step in the wrong direction and is just yet another substitute instead of genuinely trying to quit. Plus, I am not ok having my boys see that smoking action or the unknown effects of the not-so-safe vapor. We want to plan a life together but this is so huge for me. I genuinely want more than anything to be supportive but don’t want to be strung along with something he may never really have the intention to do. I’ve recommended he check out this site but he wasn’t receptive to it today. I know this site is for him and not me. I suppose I just hoped to gain a bit of clarity from those who have been through it. :)

  8. My husband started dipping About 6months ago. He started just at work at strict job sites where there was No smoking on premises. He then quit smoking with an electronic cigarette and began dipping more and more often. I HATE it. Had he done this when I met him we would not be married it is a deal breaker for me. He says he is cutting down but every time he does it we have a huge fight. I know that isn’t helping but I feel like with 7 billion people on this world I married one who doesn’t care about my opinion. It makes me so unattracted and I view him as being weak and making excuses. I quit smoking cold turkey and never got sympathy for it. I feel like the worst wife and I tell myself to be patient and supportive and it will help more than anger but I can’t help it in the moment. Help me!!!

  9. I am in a tough situation right now and I need support to get me through it. My boyfriend has been doing dip for over 15 years and he’s only 37. He has tried quitting a couple times but never has been successful for more than a few weeks (which I thought was amazing in itself). During that time he was a completely different person, calm, collected, approachable, and he was a lot more relaxed our his children. It was so nice to be around him. But he keeps picking back up again and it is starting to aggravate me. He’s lazy, gets mad easier, leaves dip cans ALL over the house and car. And worst of all, when he’s chewing, he isolates himself fr us and goes and plays videogames. He will tell him kids not to bother him when they are annoying him. Thank god his children haven’t consumed any of it by now on accident. This behavior is getting to me. I do not want to leave him over this because that seems a little drastic. But, I am beginning to think about it. We want children of our own some day and I definitely don’t want him chewing still by then. He says that when I bring it up it only makes him more stressed, but I’m tired of enabling it. Not to mention, we BOTH are recovering alcoholics , so I know when he is manipulating and rationalizing the addictive behaviors. Please help because I’m totally stuck on what to do. Thanks :)

  10. My husband’s mother passed away just last Tuesday (8/5/14) And of all the nights for me to find out that my husband has been smoking, that would be the night. His uncle kinda slipped up by saying something. I was going to deal with it AFTER he grieved the lost of his mom. He works offshore and was actually on his way out to work before he got the call to come home. I was there at his family’s waiting for him. (thats when I found out) He finally pulled up a couple hours later. I didn’t say anything or do anything. Was just there for him. A little bit later I went in his truck to see if my suspicions were correct. I had THOUGHT it was a smoke here and there. Like bumming off others or whatnot. Also I have seen proof of it here and there for a LONG time. Finding small lighters in his pockets, in the washer/dryer, even in my truck. Also once I found a rolled up butt in the washer and when he denied it was his I actually questioned my 9 yr old son. (He looked at me like I was retarded. lol) But I never said more then that. Just when I seen something I questioned it and that was it. I’m far from stupid and I notice little things. Even noticed the smell once on him. Again didn’t go into a big thing about it. When we first met he smoke VERY RARELY. At least around me. So I never thought it was a problem. He told me he only smoked like 2 or 3 at most in a day. I told him then he shouldn’t even smoke at all. And it wouldn’t take much for him to quit. He never smoked around me again. And we pretty much lived together only a month after we started dating. Keep in mind he works offshore. So he’ gone 2 weeks and home 2 weeks. He’s around me nearly 24/7 when he’s home. So I feel SO stupid that I never knew what was really going on behind my back. What I found in his truck. A brand new pack of cigs AND a 5 PACK OF SNUFF. I LOST IT!!!!! Let me also say this. I am 3 months pregnant. So my emotions are not my own right now and haven’t been for the last 2 months. I still didn’t lose my cool in front of the family. I went up to him and asked him to come talk to me. I TALKED to him. Didn’t yell or anything like that. I asked him how long he’d been smoking. He acted like he didn’t understand the question. And just went on lying to me. Thats when I threw the cigs and snuff at him. Still just talking. I asked him one final time and begged him to be honest. He said our entire relationship. I was floored and beyond hurt. I said thank you and walked away. Let me also add this. I am an ex smoker. I smoked for about 10 yrs. a pack to sometimes 2 packs a day. I quit Nov. 18, 2009. So going on 5 yrs. Granted for me I wasn’t really addicted to it. I stopped cold turkey. I know. lucky me. He doesn’t smoke or dip (YUCK!) while he’s home. And if he can go 2 weeks every month without it then its not a habit. Sorry, just how I feel about it. Also one other thing that I should add thats important. His mother just passed because of smoking. She got lung cancer a couple yrs ago. STILL smoked after she found out. Actually beat it. Yet STILL smoked. Then she had a fall and shortly after found out she had a brain tumor. The Dr’s say the fall unlogged some cancer that was apparently left over and it moved to her brain. She died like 6 months later if not sooner. Also he just lost his step dad to lung cancer last year in Sept. I love my husband more then life. I love him with every ounce of my being. So the thought of losing him is unbearable. And I can’t watch him die like his step dad and mom. I’m a pretty healthy person and try my best for my whole family to be the same. Dipping the one of the nastiest things anyone can do, along with smoking. I can’t be with a toothless person. lol Also I worry about mouth cancer. And just the thought of kissing a mouth that has dipped (rather they brush or not) discuss me. I am still SO hurt of being deceived our entire relationship. (Nov. 9th will be 3 yrs) I am trying so hard to let it go. To forgive him and to move on from this. But it keeps crossing my mind. I am far from perfect. But I could not lie to him everyday that I’ve known him. How can you do that to someone you claim you love and cherish. We tried for close to a year to get pregnant after my surgery. (Had to have my tubes reversed so we could have a baby) and he knew that smoking can hinder a couple from conceiving. That makes me mad also. Anyway. getting off topic. I’m sorry this got so long. But I figure if you knew all the details if would better help everyone understand exactly whats going on. He has once again promised me he is totally done with tobacco/nicotine. (I get these intuitions about things and one day out the blue I asked if he had been smoking while at work. He said yes and promised it wouldn’t happen again). But anyway. here is my story. As much as I love him I don’t think I could stay with someone that doesnt care enough about his health and quality of life to stop doing what he knows is bad and can shorten his life with his family.

  11. I really need help dealing with this issue. My husband and I (just married) have been together for 3 years and I knew early on that he dipped, but was led to believe it was seldom…he knew early on that I hated it, thought it was absolutely disgusting, and he promised to quit. He has quit for months at a time, but has always gone back…some stress comes into our life, something triggers that need. He is recovering from a bad cough and I am scared to death that there might be something more serious going on…he just can’t shake it. So, whenever his dipping comes up, and I am SOOOO careful to not nag or be judgmental…just express my concern and initially, he is very cool about it, knows he needs to stop, makes the decision to stop, but if I notice he has started again and ask him why he gets angry and tries to turn the argument on to me…how he can’t do anything right for me, how I think he can just stop overnight (which I know isn’t the case). I feel like I walk a tightrope over this issue with him. There is no kind, loving, gentle way to express my concern, fears, sadness, disappointment…without triggering his anger.

    • Hi Alex – thanks for checking in. I feel your pain for sure. Have you pointed him to this site and our forums? http://forum.killthecan.org/ Perhaps point him to us at a time when his quit is NOT the issue. IE, don’t wait until you’re fighting about it. With nearly 21,000 members it’s the best place out there for him to get questions answered and support from people who “get it” cause we’ve all been there before. Also, if you think it would help, please have him reach out to me directly – chewie(AT)killthecan.org – I’m happy to help.

  12. Well I have a real bad case of a tobacco chewer; I have been married for 12 years and my husband has dipped the entire time. He dipped before we got married and he said he would quit but he never did. I may have never married him knowing how bad it was. I feel like I have been beyond patient with it but feel like it has slowly destroyed our marriage. We have 2 daughters and they are older now and notice it. When they were little they didn’t notice it but now they do and they see the cans everywhere in the house and in his truck. We have had many fights about it; he promises he will try to quit but never does. I have lost respect for him, never ever kiss him because I am so turned off by it. It’s such a shame that it has come to this. I don’t even want to sleep with him anymore b/c I am so grossed out by it. I love him and everything else about him except this. He is a good dad to our girls but this just ruins everything for me. I feel like I have no hope that he will ever quit, and sometimes I wish he would get a warning from his doctor about cancer or something as it needs to come from somebody besides me. What should I do??

    • Hi Kim, I’m sorry you feel lost with your spouses addiction. I know being married to a dipper, you feel the habit infringes on you too. Try to understand, he isn’t doing this despite you. He isn’t continuing this habit to hurt you or your daughters. In fact, it isn’t about you at all…it’s just an addiction. The best thing I can say is, be patient with him. If he’s said he will quit, he will, when it’s time. And by time, I mean on his watch, no one elses. If he’s forced to quit or an altimative is used, he might quit, but I can guarantee, it will continue when no one is around. Your story sounds so close to mine. I have a wife who doesn’t (and never has) have an addiction. She couldn’t possibly know how hard the habit is unless she herself had an addiction. The habit of smokeless tobacco, I read, can be compared to that of a heroin addiction! It’s really a tough habit to break. Especially if he’s done it for a long period of time (I did it for over 25 years). I also have 2 daughters, young, but they are old enough to recognize what Dad’s “yucky stuff” is. For me, it wasn’t about quitting for my wife or kids, I just decided I was going to try and quit on a certain date (July 15th 2014) and I did. I was tired of it, to be completely honest. It wasn’t anything to do with my family, health, appearance….none of that, I simply was tired of it. And let me tell you, it was not easy. Everyday it does get easier, but those first 30-40 days were pure hell. Today is Day 70….and I don’t think I will ever go back.
      What I would suggest is to not be confrontational about it, but supportive. Tell him about this site. I stumbled across it, just before I was going to quit and I’ve visited it everyday since my quit. There are 20k other people here (last I read) that all get what’s going on with his addiction. I am not trying to sell you on anything, just that I know what you are going through, my wife went through it too. I was the one that told her to come here and read what she’s in for, on this page, with my quit. And although it has been tough on her and the girls, they have supported my grumpy ass through all of this. “Try” to support his decisions, remember why you got married and had kids, it wasn’t about his addiction, it was about you two. He needs you to support him and when it’s time, he will quit, we all do!! ~JayP

      • Thanks for your reply. I know it’s not about me personally but it does affect me personally and my desire for him is affected. It also affects the children who are embarrassed of his habit in front of their friends and others. I don’t want my kids growing up having to be shamed of their dad’s “habit”. So in essence I am tired of being “supportive”.. I get what you are saying but being supportive just means to quit nagging him about it and deal with it and leave him alone about it. It’s like a drunk that won’t quit drinking so you just have to leave them to get away from it. I am angry that I have to deal with this in my married life, I don’t want to. He doesn’t care and now he won’t even say he is going to try and quit. I guess I can either leave him or be supportive and not ever talk about it, hoping that one day he may decide to quit on his own.

        • Hi again Kim. I can defintley hear your frustration. I am not in your marriage, so I cannot attest to what you are going through. I just wanted to point out it takes time for someone with this strong addiction, to decide its time to quit for good. I know an addiction is an addiction, but honestly don’t think this particular one compares to that of an alcoholic. Maybe it does in your situation, again I cannot for say with certainlty. To me, I think its just more annoying to the spouse than anything else. I get not wanting to kiss a man that has a mouth full of tobacco, I wouldn’t either if I were a woman. If he absolutely doesn’t plan to quit and you cannot look past the addiction, then I think those are personal decisions for you to make. But if he has told you he “wants” to quit and just doesn’t know how, then this is when your support is needed. To be fair, some people just have no interest in kicking their habits…that’s something for you two to discuss. I hope things work out for you both and he finds the courage to drop this habit, its a tough one to break. You take care and be strong!!

    • Kim
      I totally agree with JayP. I found this site and read all about how people can quit, but I did it on my own. I told my wife I was quitting and having her see this site also helps allot.
      I think the one thing I would add, is. Maybe have your husband try Smokey Mountain chew. It’s not tobacco, and no nic. Maybe he can start by adding some smokey into his dip, and gradually using more …

      Good Luck Kim
      As you can see. There are allot of us on this site willing to help
      Jeff. Day 46

  13. Thanks for your input. My husband likes chewing and has no desire to quit. I asked him to quit like he agreed to do when we dated. We have been married 5 years now. I asked him to quit a year ago. You are right I just made it worse. He started drinking beer 1 a night then 2 a night and then later to find out he never really quit chewing. I am trying hard to stay connected and not feel second to this addition. So I am trying to learn to stay out of managing his addition and focus on myself. I do try to model healthy choices to all those bad foods I like to eat but it doesn’t really matter to him. I try to redirect my thoughts of disappointment about us being a team and helping each other because he isn’t ready. I kiss him still but not as much as I could because I don’t want cancer of the mouth or those chemicals in my body. I am trusting God to keep me safe from harm from his addiction. I already had skin cancer removed from my face and I don’t want to ever have to make a decision like that again. I just wish he could grasp the magnitude of his addiction because it affects everyone. Neices and Nephew who love him what to do what he does…they are too young to know how bad and addicting it is or that they will spend a lifetime trying to quit; or that they don’t have the desire to build a stronger relationship with their wife because their thoughts are consumed with getting away to chew tobacco. I am honest with him. This is my second marriage so I constantly fights back the triggers of feeling unwanted, unworthy, ugly, unlovable and no fun to be with. I am thankful I have God in my life and he is enough.

    • Hi Diana, I’m sorry you too are going through an addiction with your husband. I guess if he never plans on quitting, then he just isn’t thinking about doing it “now”. You’re right, by asking him to quit, he might, but will do it behind your back. And this isn’t despite you, its an addiction and he doesn’t want to to it in front of you to continue your pain. I see a lot of spouses above, that are upset that their spouses “lied” and continue the habit. I understand they may feel betrayed, but being hooked on smokeless tobacco for so many years, I can say its the addiction, not betrayal. And is why I said not to “force” a quit, but to be supportive and use finesse. I also would suggest, as Jeff did above, some of the non-tobacco/nicotine herbal chews out there. Smokey Mountain is one of them that is out there in Walmart stores. Its “like” chewing tobacco, but isn’t tobacco and has no nicotine. I have had great success on these herbal chews, in fact I still am using them (not as frequent as I was) in my 70+ days away from smokless tobacco. And point him here, the owners and members of this site will welcome all new comers with open arms (spouses too). We will help as much as we can Diana. And you sound like God is in your life (good), PRAY for him!
      Take care and continue to hope Diana, Good Luck!! ~JP

  14. Day 60

    I am not sure if its appropriate to post my quit here, but I am gonna do it anyway, you guys can take my post off if you want.

    Two Stinking Months I been off the Shitsky and I am proud..

    Dude if you are contemplating quitting?, Do it!!!, Just Do it!! I dare you, I know you all can do it too.

    I know you got what it takes,

    You know how when you got started Doing this Shit, you felt like a MAN, a tough guy?

    Well It takes a Much Bigger Man to Quit. Be that Man, OWN it Fellas, Own that Shit.

    Come on Do it!!, and then come back here and tell us all about it, there are a bunch of guys here that will listen to your progress, rants, failures, whatever the Hell you want to talk about. I know they heard it from me, its been 2 Months and I’ve written almost every day.

    So What’s your story?

  15. I am at a total loss as to how to get my husband to want to quit… We have a baby on the way, and I don’t want to raise our son around dip (one of my husband’s frequent excuses for dipping is because his dad did it for years and “never had any issues”) plus I constantly worry about my husband’s health long-term. He keeps promising me he will quit, and has attempted multiple times, but always seems to go right back. It is simultaneously frustrating and heart-breaking for me to watch the cycle continue! I know he cares, and I understand how hard it is for him, but I keep trying to explain to him that it will never get any easier if he just continues to do it. Any advice on how to encourage him to truly commit to quitting and stop going back?

    • Hi Caroline,
      Its a good (and encouraging) thing your husband has promised you he would quit the habit. This means he is at least “thinking” about a quit. This is, in my opinion, the most important part of the quit equation. As I’ve stated to the others above, I would point him to this website if he is ready to quit. There are several quitters here that understand what’s going on with his addiction (me included). I am currently at Day 76 of my quit. I will say the first 30-40 days were pure hell for me. I spent a lot of time on this site reading what others were going through, and it was the same stuff I was experiencing… which made it a little easier to know what I was feeling was normal. Also, your husband can find MANY tobacco alternatives he can use for his quit. There are several companies out here that offer “fake” dips. I have and still use them thus far in my quit. They are non-tobacco and there are also nicotine free versions as well (what I use). I won’t lie to you, the habit he has is a real addiction. I quit nicotine cold turkey and begin using the fake chews….and I had a month long battle with withdraw. I used smokeless tobacco for 25+ years….its not been a cake walk by any stretch. But I am feeling MUCH better today than I did. And I have no plans to ever use tobacco again. Coming here and posting comments and reading what other members are going through will help him get through the tough times. And using the fake dips help with the oral thing dippers deal with. I also have become a BIG fan of sunflower seeds. They too take care of that oral fixation, but I will caution, there is a lot of salt in them. If salt intake is an issue….there are low sodium ones out there.
      But for him to quit and remain quit, its going to need to come from deep within…at least that’s how I did it. I was fed up with it and was time for me. Maybe when your baby is here, he might look into his eyes and have a heart to heart with himself. Things like that have happened to me members here…I’ve read a few.
      The best thing to do is to not guilt him into a quit or force it….he will continue it behind your back and will only cause you to feel betrayed!
      Good luck and I hope he makes the decision to quit soon! And please! Point him here when he decides to!! We’re all in this together (spouses too). ~JP

  16. Hello, I need some help/advice. My husband has been chewing on/off again since high school. His addiction grew stronger when he was in the army due to high stress situations and since he’s been out we’ve had a lot of life changes: buying a house, getting married, he started college then quit college and then we recently had a baby which = change and more stress for him. He promised to quit dipping before we got married. He was successful for about two 1/2 months and then a stressful situation came and he started dipping again. He then said he wanted to quit for our baby girl. Unfortunately having a baby is quite stressful. And she is now 3 months. Today is day 1 of not dipping for him. I’ve been through over 30 day one’s with him in the last two years. He’s so mean and ornery, and knows how to cut deep with his words. He blames me for his dipping saying I cause him too much stress. Several days ago he told me to be stern with him, told me to not give in to him, told me if he acts like an ass to tell him to stop and just go to bed. But it just doesn’t work like that. I’ve been trying to stay positive I’ve been trying to help him with different ways. I’ve tried to leave him alone. It’s just so hard with an infant. I feel like I’m by myself. I’ve been reading your website and the testimonials. He has tried the smokey mountain for awhile but it didn’t work. Also tried sunflower seeds. Tried weaning himself off. Cold turking it a countless number of times. I know it’s an addiction I get that…I just don’t know how to support someone you love when they tell you you’re the problem. I’ve given in to him so many times just giving him the “ok” to buy another can bc I can’t stand how mean he gets. However I know that’s enabling him. I just need advise. Please help.

    • I’m not by any means a “pro” on this. I have been tobacco free for 139 days today. I chewed tobacco for over 25 years and finally decided it was time to quit on July 15th. I didn’t do it for anyone (spouses, kids, family, etc…) but myself. And all I can tell you is that in order to quit and remain quit, it has to come from deep within. Having a tinge of anger towards the habit certainly helps as well. I did use the fake chew to start with, and sunflower seeds as well. I even gained 20 lbs in the process and I am a very active male. But you cannot out run your fork! I too was an ornery SOB during the first 30 days….that passes, as does the weight gain, as does the need for the fake dip (I am currently only taking 2-3 fake chews a day currently). That oral fixation, well I am certain that takes much longer, because I am plowing through the sunflower seeds still….about a bag every 2 days!
      To me, without diving too far into your life, it sounds that honestly, your husband is “close” to quitting this terrible habit. He is at least trying. Each time he quits, he’ll learn what did and did not work with quitting. For me, I just was fed up with the habit. The nasty ass bottles floating around the house, my worn out mouth, the cost of the habit….which continued to climb, falling asleep with that shit in my mouth, waking up to immediately pop in another….it was just getting out of hand…time for a change. I got pissed about it all and quit….and remain quit. My advice is to point your husband here. There are a boat load of addicts here that understand what he’s going through. I “secretly” hung around here for about 3 weeks before quitting. I have since met a lot of people like me, same stories, same miserable feelings during the habit and during the quit. Tell him to take the 100 day challenge. No dip, nicotine at all….for 100 days. Many people on this site start there….if he can make it that far, chances are, he’ll quit and remain quit. Just know, this habit, IS NOT, your fault.
      I am not going to paint pretty pictures here, kicking the can is a tough, TOUGH, feat. Even at 139 days….I still get the occasional crave. But they are short lived and a long way in between. I know its hard to support someone when they are blaming you for the habit….but it isn’t your body, it isn’t your hand putting the dip in his mouth…..so itsnt your fault. It will be on him and only him to decide when he is ready. That much I learned myself from my quit. I wish you and your husband luck on this quit…tell him to come here and have a look around, maybe he finds something to spark another quit. We welcome new comers, I try to help where I can.

      • Excellent post jayp! Very thorough and informative. I’ll always look forward to hearing from you! I referred my wife here too. She needed to know she’s not the only one.

        • Thanks Rick, as mentioned, I’m here to try to help where I can. This is a great place for a spouse to ask questions and get an unbiased answer/opinion. They too are part of the quit.

    • The meanness and unprovoked anger / irritability are the absolute worst … I have 2 small children under 3 and I can totally relate to your feelings. My husband has quit now for almost 4 weeks and is still out of control with his mean comments and temper. It’s almost just too much to take most days. I try to be supportive and just end up walking around on eggshells all day:( it’s been 11 years we’ve been together and I’ve been through this too many times to count. I don’t even ask him about it anymore.

  17. We’ll done Jayp!

    I know we have talked about this subject in the past, and again you nailed it.

    Wife of an addict, quitting is very personal, what I mean by this is, there are is only one person that can decide to quit, it’s your hubby. Like jayp mentioned, when we quit, we did it for our selfs, and the benefit of our quit is celebrated by our families.

    I can tell you this, my wife never asked me to quit, she actually supported my nic addiction.

    My decision to quit was mine, no one else, she helped me thru the toughest days, and has told me so many times how proud she is that I did it.

    I understand the “stress” of being in the military, I was in the Marine Corp for 8 years, I had many of the same life events as your husband. When he is ready, and I also think he is close, he will quit.

    Have him join us here, ask us questions, we will support him, as we have already been through the major battles.

    Day 114

  18. Today is day 12 for my boyfriend quitting dip. He has dipped around 30 years. He is having stomach surgery and must quit or chance of infection. He is very much on board and succeeding. But he is so irritable and really let me have it last night on about issues he has with me and my teenage daughter that seem to have been pent up for a while. It was so hurtful, nasty and heartbreaking. He left and is staying with a friend. I am reading info on this site and know I need to continue to try to ignore these outbursts but it is really hard and some thinks just can’t be taken back. Any advise?

  19. My boyfriend told me he was quitting before we started dating(and before he knew my feelings about tobacco), I was so proud of him and excited because tobacco use is a deal breaker for me but I realllly liked him and believed he really wanted to quit. I printed him a bunch of information from this site and got him candies and things I read on here that were useful in your quits. We celebrated every month he on his quit day… Then fast forward 7 months later we are on vacation I’m looking for something I had packed in his bag I find a can of dip. I ask him about it he says he just started a week before and swore up and down. I asked him if he really even wanted to quit, he says he wants to try and I say no you just need to quit if thats what you want (I’ve learned from this site if you give yourself an out its not going to work). I was very hurt he was doing something behind my back, even if it is embarrassing for him. I tell him everything, probably too much.

    But I loved him and believed him, he said I could do whatever I needed to do to earn his trust back. I could ask I could look etc, I wanted to just trust him so I never looked, (I did ask and he always said no). until one day he was oddly protecting his backpack and I just knew. Again there was a can, he stated he did not know how it got there (really?) and continued to lie until he finally told the truth. We had a huge talk where I explained to him the biggest issue was that he continued to do something behind my back, which after the first time it happened I explained to him that if he just told me it would be a million times better than if I found out without him telling me. I said I needed to know that I could trust him and he would tell me the truth even if it was hard. And I gave him a few days to really think about if he really wanted to quit, he said yes and said all the right things. I kept telling him about this site and he finally signed up. He wrote his introduction and it was a completely different story than he had told me.

    Turns out he only quit for 2 months, so all those months I celebrated with him he was deceiving me, the first time I found out he was using and he lied and said it had only been a week he was deceiving me. And when i asked him about it he said he was just embellishing his story because you guys wouldn’t take him serious if he had already quit for 7 months, it took him 5 more times to tell me the real truth (this after are huge discussion about telling the truth) I understand this is an addiction and that Im not an addict so I will never really understand but I do understand lying. That is what is the worst part of all of this. It makes you question everything. Tobacco use is something I have always felt strongly about, I work in healthcare and see the awful side effects of it everyday and how it affects patients and their families, that is just not something I was my loved ones to go through or to go through myself. It is an awful way to go.

    You all might think I’m a controlling, nagging, bitch but I’m looking for insight. I know lying can be a part of addiction, but am I supposed to sit here and just keep getting hurt by lies? I’ve encouraged him to just tell me the truth, if hes having a craving let me help him, but he just thinks I’m going to think he is weak but he’s never given me a chance. He only sees my reaction when I find out hes doing something behind my back and i’ll admit its not my best moment. I read this site almost every day, I’ve tried giving countless tips and tricks that I read in your stories. I feel like I’m more invested in his quit then he is.

    I was thinking about spending my life with this man but how do I do that if I can’t completely trust him? I thought we were like teammates and then to find out there was stuff going behind my back it just stinks. Maybe I just needed to vent, thanks for reading.

    • I am completely on board with what Jeff posted in his response Kelly. And its not to be siding with your boyfriend….its because if he “really” wants to quit, its got to be about him, not you or the way you feel about smokless tobacco. While I do agree with you, it is some nasty shit and an awful habit….I didn’t listen to anyone about how gross it was….nor did in really view it that way when I did it. If you are trying to catch him doing it, then that’s about the same as telling him “the can or me”. Tobacco….nicotine particular, is a serious addiction. And if you don’t have an addiction or never have, than you cannot sympathize with what he’s going through. Again, I am not choosing sides here….rather, I am trying to give you a peek at this habit through the eyes of someone who did it for 25 years and just quit 162 days ago. Its a tough habit to break! Once you get past the physical cravings, you then have to deal with the oral fixation….I still am dealing with it. Not to mention the weight gain….and the other mind games. It is a real addiction.
      This quit, if he truly wants to quit, will have to come from deep within HIM. Not from a ultamative or any outside pressure. He, as Jeff said (and a great example), will need to put on his big boy pants and commit to the quit. He won’t do for anyone but himself. Many spouses, women in relationships, come on here and feel betrayed….its normal to feel that way. But he isn’t doing it to hurt you, he’s an addict, just like 20,000 others on here. Sometimes users feel if they hide the addiction, that the people that care and love them (that’s really why people nag the addict, THEY CARE!) Can’t see it and won’t be hurt. But usually it backfires…and they end up feeling betrayed.
      I would say you need to let him decide when its time and it might be when you stop asking him or 5 years down the road. Point him to this website, we welcome all new comers and it offers him a place to experience what we all go through when quitting.
      I stumbled across this site about a month before inchise to quit…and have been thankful since. I hope you guys can get through this together and he has a successful quit. Merry Christmas!
      -JP Day #162

  20. Maybe you need to understand that it needs to be his quit, not yours.

    I didn’t quit for my wife, I quit for myself. The reward for my quit is my family, my health, and my personal self pride of kicking the nic bitch ass.

    You want him to quit, but before you freak out the he is not quitting, just know, the nic bitch will lie, she is in control. Your man needs to pull up his big boy pants and quit on his own… Not you.

    It’s funny, my wife and I were just talking about today is day 136 for me, and the money we saved( over $700), and then I came across your post.

    See, I quit on my own, so did many of my friends here, have him visit this site and talk to us, we can offer help.

    But, if my wife would have bitched about my Copenhagen, and told me you better quit, I would have resented her, my quit would have failed.

    The only true successful quitter is someone who did it for him/ her self!

    Sorry if you don’t like my tone,or my direct message, but it’s the truth.

    Day 136

  21. My boyfriend just told me he started dipping 4 months ago while he was out of town for work. He had dipped when we first started dating, but stopped after a couple months of us being together. I didn’t say anything about hating it then because we weren’t very serious (we were only living in the same city for three months then I was moving across the country). Now, 4 years later, he started up again.
    Now that he’s told me, I have a lot of feelings I don’t really know how to handle. At first, I was just really upset and angry that he lied to me about it. We talked about that and I forgave him because I understand that he didn’t tell me because he knew I’d be disappointed. Now that I’m mostly past that, I’m upset he’s doing it again because he knows the health risks and how I feel about it.
    We’re supposed to move in together in the next 6 months, and now I’m scared that we’re going to fight all the time because of how much I hate the dipping. Right now, he doesn’t do it in front of me and doesn’t leave dip cans out, but I don’t want him feeling like he has to hide it in his own home when we leave together, so I told him he doesn’t need to hide it from me any more. I’d rather that than him constantly worrying about me “catching” him in the act. When I brought this up, he got mad at me and basically just said if we fight about him dipping, it’s my fault because I’m making too big of a deal out of it. Maybe I am, but I’m just being honest about how I feel. Any suggestions for how to move past hating dipping so much that it’s affecting your relationship? He has no desire at the moment to stop dipping, so I need to learn to deal with it or I feel like our relationship could be at risk. I love him and don’t want this to happen, but I know that he isn’t going to quit for me, so I feel like it’s on me to change my mindset. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

Leave a Reply