Spousal Support

Spousal SupportSteps To Helping Your Spouse Stay Quit

  1. Don’t nag. It won’t help and will only cause underlying feelings of anger and resentment, all of which are likely to drive your spouse back to the can out of spite. DO NOT throw away your spouses stash. That is their decision to make and if you do it, we are back to the spite thing. WE will make sure they flush it BEFORE they are allowed to post a Day 1 here.
  2. Realize that your spouse has to quit because he/she wants to. Your spouse can’t quit for you or for your children. Without the “want” of doing it, as opposed to the “being told to”, “the promise to”, “the deadline has arrived”, “the guilt” of doing it, chances are the quit will fail.
  3. Support is crucial! Be involved, in a positive way, in your spouse’s quit! Ask what day it is. (There is a quit tracker on the homepage of this site that will keep track of days quit and dollars saved) Tell him/her that you know it is hard and you are proud of him/her for what he/she is doing. Don’t be condescending. Don’t smother. Find the line and toe it.
  4. Gear up; it’s going to be a rough ride! It is important that you know that you will be the target of anger or sudden outbursts. You must know that this is all part of quitting the addiction and ridding the body and mind of the nasty chemicals and dependency that so many of us were foolish enough to subject ourselves to. When the anger gets directed towards you or other family members realize what is going on. Remove the kids from the battle zone, remove yourself. This will pass. We encourage all quitters to come to our forums to vent and rage. Get mad at the vets on the site. Vent to other quitters who are going through the same thing or have been where your spouse is now. We have come to love the rage. It signifies healing and recovery. Directed towards the right people (us) it is healthy.
  5. Encourage, allow, desire that your spouse become active on our site, forums, blog and social media channels. An overwhelming majority of successful quitters will testify that they could not have succeeded without the support of the people and information on the site. Know that if your spouse is active on the site, he/she will make friends with complete strangers. Internet friends. Your spouse will hopefully give out a phone number and take phone numbers in. There is nothing hinky in this. It is all part of the support system. Spouses have been told, “Honey, I have friends that I have never met, all over the country. They feel like brothers to me and I owe them my life.” Many of us have met in person too. As we travel, we make plans to get together. Organized weekend get-togethers have been done. There is a camaraderie that is generated, that is hard to explain, but wonderful to experience.
  6. Understand that this is going to be the most difficult thing your spouse has ever done. It will also be the most rewarding (just short of marrying you, I’m sure). Internal battles will rage. Our forums can be their outlet. If the rage, short temper, etc. are manifesting itself in ways that affect your relationship, encourage them to see a doctor. Some of us had no choice but to resort to medication to save the world from ourselves. There is no shame in it. It won’t be a permanent thing, just for a couple months. Depression can also be symptom of nicotine cessation. It’s completely normal. If you notice withdrawal from family or friends, again, get them to a doctor. Be encouraging, remember, he’s a big burly man that thinks the last thing he needs is medication to cope. Send a vet a PM and we’ll explain it to them for you; you can stay completely out of it.
  7. Quitting is a wonderful time of self discovery and reflection. Like most of us your spouse probably can’t remember much about life without a can. He can’t remember how he acted, handled situations, etc. This is the fun part of quitting because he gets to, in some ways; condition his mind to hopefully be a better person.


  1. Can I ask what you mean by not offering support? What can she do to make you feel supported? I don’t want to be the wife who’s not being supportive so maybe you can shed some light on what would make you feel like she cares. Your pregnant has her own problems, to be fair. Her hormones can drive her crazy and although she may know what’s rational, it can be a constant battle to check yourself when you’re pregnant. She might just he doing her best to hold it together and that’s the beat she can do.

    1. I was in a bad place when I wrote that, I still. Haven’t broke down and flipped 3 days strong now. But, you basically summed it up. It was selfish of me to think like that, in our situation I should be devoted 110% to supporting her.

  2. I’m on my 2nd day with no snuff, I’m trying my best. But my pregnant girlfriend is avoiding me and not offering support. I don’t think this is going to work. Should I wait to try and quit after the baby is born.

    1. I’m still snuff free.. I wouldn’t have been able to make it through these past weeks without my lovely partners support.

    2. I really need help how to make my noy friend quit his snuffs addiction.He said he really want to,but it was hard on him.He did stop for a while,but now hes back again.

  3. My boyfriend is 26 years old and has been chewing tobacco pouches regularly since he was about 16. We have been together for about a year, and things are going very well. We’ve already moved into an apartment, and we talk about marriage and children. But I’m so overwhelmed by his addiction, and I feel helpless in getting him to stop. He seems intimidated by the idea of quitting. We did find him some alternatives (BaccOff), which he will chew a couple of in place of the others, but he’s still chewing about 5-10 regular pouches per day. He feels he needs the nicotine. Even tobacco-free alternatives that still have nicotine don’t seem to work for him. He tried Triumph Chew for a while, but didn’t like the texture or flavor as much. I’m just so terrified, because — as cheesy as this sounds — I truly feel like I’ve found the love of my life, yet I know that everything could collapse in a moment due to this addiction. What are my options? How can I be supportive while controlling this feeling of urgency — the feeling that this has gone on too long, and it has to stop before it’s too late? All suggestions are appreciated. Thank you.

    1. My father had just stared chewing early in my parents marriage. First he smoked & gave that up to chew when his children were born – less harmful to us. 45 years later he has battled quitting his whole life & cannot stop. His best try was 1 yr, but when something stressful happens, he needs the skoal, and well life is always stressful. He had blown over $30k in chew, according to mom, when they didn’t have $ to blow. His mood swings are terrible when he is not ‘on’ the chew. It had been a sore spot their entire marriage. Addiction to this is very real & I do not wish it on anyone’s family. Do you want to deal with that your whole life??? He must quit now, or he never will while you are married.

  4. Is there any advice for whether it’s possible to encourage a desire to quit without nagging? My husband hates that he chews. He tries to quit periodically. But recently he spontaneously confessed that he has ‘given himself permission’ to chew again because he just really needs it and its too much pressure to quit. The constant dip and spit bottle, the ritual of ‘checking out’ so he can dip and spit throughout the day, the sound of the shutting off, the sound of his mumbled voice because he can talk clearly with it… It’s just all really getting on my nerves to the point of being really angry. His spit bottle is frequently left out and the baby gets into it. I haven’t put one single bit of pressure on him to quit. But I’m wondering if I have to live with this behavior for the rest of my life now. Ugh. What can I do to tip the scale?

    1. Every article on this site can be shared with someone else via email with just a click of a button. Perhaps send a couple of articles his way?

      I’d suggest these as a decent starting point.

      Jenny & Tom Kern’s Story: https://www.killthecan.org/facts-figures/jenny-tom-kerns-story/
      Randy & His Cancer: https://www.killthecan.org/facts-figures/the-story-of-randy-and-his-cancer/
      The Decision To Quit Dip: https://www.killthecan.org/facts-figures/the-decision-to-quit-dip/
      The Top 100 Benefits of Quitting: https://www.killthecan.org/facts-figures/the-top-100-benefits-of-quitting-dip/

      Aside from that, just be there for him. Be supportive if you can be. The fact that he “confessed” tells me that he’s thinking about it. He’s come out and told you because he knows it’s wrong and he’s looking for you to potentially push back on him (this is stupid guy bullshit… but we all do it). Sadly, HE has to make his decision… you just need to be there for him when he does.

  5. Hi all,
    It has taken me a long time to realize that I am in need of support while my husband is trying to quit chewing. My story goes like this.. my husband has been chewing for years and I had no idea. He says it’s very random and not a pattern, which is hard for me to believe.
    I know every time he chews, because it changes him in so many negative ways. I feel as if the nicotine affects him differently than others. Please let me know if you notice strange behaviors when your significant other chews. For example he is rude, short tempered and very sloppy. For example I knew he was chewing last night because he tried grilling dinner and all the food was raw and he thought nothing of it.

    He will never admit to me that he is chewing until the next day. I don’t react well to the situation, which likely doesn’t help. We have two children (5 and 1 Month). I honestly don’t feel comfortable leaving them with him- when he chews he doesn’t make the best choices.

    Are these things others experience with their chewing partner?
    Please help.

    1. My guess is he is feeling a lot of shame/guilt frome dipping and then lying to you about it. The adictics mind is wired differently. I am 557 days into my quit today and yes I do think differently about things and situations. My suggestion would be to get him involved in other healthy habits like exerciseing or something. Directly attacking the dip issue most times will not work. He has to know that you are a team. Talk about things you plan to do with the children/grandchildren when they are older that sometimes will get people to think longterm and see the light. and in my opinion we can not forget the power of prayer, most if not all would say nicotine is a demon we are fighting.

    2. Sounds to me like he was going through withdrawals from not dipping. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and he can’t be trusted with our children they are now 11 and 8. And no it hasn’t gotten any better. He has now gone on Wellbutrin and the first week was awesome he wasn’t being an asshole. We worked like a team he was taking our son out and doing a great job being a dad to him I saw great improvement in how our family got along. Keep in mind he was dipping while taking it after 10 days he started slowing down too much and now even with the meds we are back to our normal dysfunctional family. During that good week out of 13 years he was taking charge of our sons extracurricular activities so I could pay more attention to our younger daughter. Yes both of my children have suffered they don’t have a dad. I have to be everything to my kids I’ve been the one to plan everything I even learned how to coach our son at baseball because his dad can’t stay clear headed enough to do it. When he is going through withdrawals he looks like he is high it is so frustrating. By the way for dipping withdrawals start 30 minutes after they take it out of there mouth. It is one of the worst addictions out there. No this isn’t a good life for me or my kids we really should have been a family of one child because it’s hard to split yourself up like I do. The bad part is he thinks he is such a nice guy. I don’t know if any of this hits close to home for you but I was at your point one time, just finding out. My husband has said some of the most mean things to me and called me names that I didn’t deserve. He won’t admit he has problems at work but I know he does no on wants to hang out with him and he’s not climbing the ladder he’s still at the bottom after 12 years of being in his line of work. Also was he an organized man when you met him lol my husband is very sloppy but talks like he’s not. I do everything for him he expects me to be his mother and I’m not that. But when I bring that up he blames me for not being neat, he has sense stoped because I quit cleaning for him. He used to blame me for all the toothpaste spatter on the bathroom mirror and how filthy the bathroom floor gets. So I share the bathroom with our two kids now now he can’t say it’s my fault. He gets to have his bathroom completely filthy and I guess he loves it it starts making the house stink but at least he’s not blaming me anymore. Also my kids are cleaner than him I rarely have to wipe down the mirror anymore, and guess what his is always covered with toothpaste. Anyways living with a man that has an addiction as strong as dipping will never be fun and you will have all the responsibilities. I’m sorry for your situation. Men that have addictions get offended by women saying these things I’ve seen men without addictions and they take care of responsibilities and there sons. I’m sure there are men out there with addictions that can budget there lives but I think there are more that can’t, a lot more. Find a good physiatrist that understands addictions that will befriend you because it’s a very lonely life. I just found one and she’s wonderful she is so nice and understanding and is giving me ways to cope with it. She has a goal for me. I went for so long without help because I didn’t want to talk to some stranger about what’s going on in my life but I finally. Oh and she wasn’t the first do some shopping and find a good one she was my third one to see. Good luck.

  6. Theirs a site that goes into a great deal of detail that nicotine addicts should read Whyquit.com. Both parties should read this site every word.

  7. To anyone going through the horror or a spouse quitting. Maybe you can come up with some sort of arrangement like a code word that you are at your wits end. You discuss all this before he starts. And when the weeks go by and he is getting worse and worse you knew it was coming and you let it bounce off you. But when it gets beyond the point where you can’t handle it anymore, you use the word. It worked for us..I did have to use the word several times but I only did it when I knew I was going to lose it. It was strange watching him deflat his anger, and I didn’t push it. I gave him his space. I still supported him. And he saw that I was doing that. Maybe I was just lucky but maybe it will work for you too.

  8. I have been with a man that has been through every addiction you can imagine. I also went through an addiction and I didn’t take my problems out on other people. I understand that it’s hard to go through but the quitters need to understand that there is one person in their corner and they need to show kindness and love to that person not blaming and abuse. Anyone that is going through an addiction needs to understand that it is damn near impossible to love someone that acts in that manner. The spouse needs the same kind of support, love and kindness or it’s going to be hard to give it to the recovering addict especially if they rarely get cooperation from that addict. There are a lot of things I don’t understand and I will be the first to admit that. I have become very thick skinned over the last 11 years. I used to be very loving and supportive of the father of my children until he started pointing out every little thing that was wrong with me and making fun of me for it. I used to cry when he was rude or mean to me now I get defensive and angry, I have developed his traits. I have bottled up so much and when I think about things he has done to me I want to talk about it so he will know that was hurtful. I can’t love someone that is always saying things to hurt me. Before he said he didn’t know well he still does it so now he knows. I don’t do things out of spite I try my best not to feel the need for revenge but that’s all he does is gets revenge. If the addict see that’s there loved one isn’t been unfair then don’t turn it around on them and blam them for every little thing that they are going trough. It’s tougher on the spouse than the addict. Addicts need to learn love kindness and patience and understand that there the ones with the I don’t like to say problems so I’ll say the anger issues. I do my best not to offend anyone but the addicts show so much love and support and understanding to each other that is what gets then through. Woman need there husbands to be supportive and understanding and everything seems to be so out of control when they aren’t. I need my husband to be a husband because he hasn’t ever been one. I have been the understand one for years and taken so damn much abuse. At times he seems to understand that then others he blames everything on me. When he stops blaming me I feel like I can get closer to him and I do. Everyone needs love and affection it’s healing and a stress reliever. I am a very understanding person and with all of the knowledge I know about how to cope with an addict if I had a little cooperation from the addict then it would go a lot smoother for the both of us. But I am TIRED of being blamed for his anger and aggravation. We will be good and he will complain about every little thing at work then I bring up something he has been rude to me about and bam he turned on me. I don’t see that as love and then he blames me for it because I brought something up. Well that’s life if I did something he didn’t like he’d do the same damn thing I just wouldn’t blow up at him. Also you don’t use someone for sex and be all nice and sweet then turn into an asshole a few days later ITS WRONG! I have been on this emotional roller coaster for 11 years. There needs to be some support for the women from the addicts especially if it’s going to take over 200 days to overcome. Men can’t expect to get all the kind and nice shit out of a relationship if the wives feel used and abused in the process. Women are very sensitive to how there husband feels and when he appears to be stressed and out of control while trying to hide it and not talking about it it’s very stressful for the wives and children who are going through it. Men don’t need a free pass to be assholes to their wives. Woman are natural at understanding and being nurturing. When you abuse that side of a woman it stops. Women are people too.

    1. My support has run out he’s has no kindness for me anymore. Going trough 11 years of “supporting” him I quit!

      1. Everything he does he has an attitude he walks aggressively talks aggressively then when I tell him he’s starting to get mean he doesn’t want to hear it. Which by the way I am nice about it. I tell him I’m proud of you I know it’s hard to quit I know from first hand experience but I never blamed anyone else for my out of control feelings. After a few weeks of getting a bad attitude I finally get enough of it. He then dips again I really don’t care if he does it at this point or not. I’m just tired of being gleamed for his issues.

        1. I guess what I’m looking for is if anyone can answer this. Does your judgement, resigning and morals fly out the window when you go through withdrawals. Mine never did but I stayed focused on God and trusted him to point me in the right direction so I don’t remember if it was that or my own person.

          1. Emily, thanks for dropping by and venting. That is what this thread of the blog is for…spouses dealing with spouses on a quit. To be very short, since your posts reveal much more deeper issues than I care to get into (or can help with), yes, we all turn into assholes when we quit. Took myself about 30-40 days to even start feeling half ass normal (whatever normal is) again. I put a lot of people around me through some shit. Luckily, the people around me knew what I was going through, since I found this blog and read “what to expect”. I apologized before I started the quit (almost 700 days ago), since I knew gray days were in the forecast. I was NOT myself.
            Sounds like there is more to your situation, but you asked if things “fly out the window” and I say indeed they do.
            I hope things get better for you and him.

  9. I caught my husband chewing again for the 4th time. I am losing hope that he will really quit this time… I ask him why did he decide to quit again this time, and he said because he doesn’t want me and the kids leave him that it’s for us and not for him…

    1. “I caught my husband”…. It ends there. It’s not about you, your husband is an addict, just like the rest of us here. He hasn’t realized that the quit isn’t about you and the kids. He needs to quit for himself, not for anything else. Sorry if I’m being brutally honest, but that’s the truth.

    2. Hopeless… I’m in the same boat and feeling so sad and broken hearted about it. And honestly feeling duped. He is my high school sweetheart and I can’t imagine my life without him or with anyone else, but I also feel like if I knew I was marrying a smoker/chew addict I maybe wouldn’t have made the decision to marry. We have been married for ten years and he has smoked / chewed on and off along with finally being sober for three years. I didn’t know about the addictions before we got married. Now I feel like I am tearing apart. Every time he quits at some point I “catch” him dipping again. It makes me feel like this will never end. Until cancer…

      1. I am in the same boat. I go a while without catching him and when I ask he tells me he isn’t just to find out he still is occassionally. Of course every time I pull the “I guess the kids and I aren’t important enough for you to quit”. I know it’s wrong and I want to help him quit but he says I can’t. This time my 9 year old caught him for the first time and called me at work worried. I don’t think he knows we fight about this often. The lies are so hard to accept! I’m to the point of just being done with the relationship all together just due to the lying. But I dont want to throw away 11 years over something most people will think is trivial. I didn’t know about this before we married either

        1. I catch my husband every time too. It’s been 11 yrs as well. I have threatened to leave him, he’s never once admitted it or been up front even when I have found the hiding places and confronted him. He always denies it, then admits it. I feel that I can’t trust him and always think he’s lying. He told me I can ask everyday if he’s done it and it’s between a month since the last time I caught him. He gets way defensive when I ask and days he’s done for good. I don’t know what to believe. I feel that he is still hiding it from me. I have a 2yr old and am due with#2 in March. I get so angry everytime I find it. This last time he said he just wants me to help him quit, but I don’t know how, except to have him call me when he gets urges, he hasn’t told me of any urges in the last month, which also worries me.

          1. If my spouse was constantly following me around every corner to “catch” me dipping or trying to sniff out all my hiding spots, just to shame me of my addiction, I probably would have never been able to quit this terrible addiction. I get you wives feel “betrayed” but the addiction isn’t about you, it’s about your husband. He isn’t doing this to anger you…he’s doing it because he’s an addict. When I read “I caught him” or “he’s hiding it”…I’m sorry, I fail to see support, I see spouses who are making it about them and not the person quitting. The truth is, your husband does want to quit, he just hasn’t completely made the decision to commit to it. I will also say it’s pretty tough to get committed when you’re not completely ready. And by not ready, I mean still dipping privately. From someone who is over 3 years clean, I thought about quitting for about 2.5 years before I actually committed. In my head, I got tired of it. It wasn’t about my spouse not liking it. It sure wasn’t about my kids. It was ME, no one else, who was sick and tired of the habit. I did it for me. Selfish? Hell yes it was, but that was what is needed to commit to quitting such a horrible habit.
            My advice and you’ll find it in all my posts on this thread. It’s not about you, it’s about them, the addict. They have to come to grips with their own addiction. They have to get sick of it to become committed to quitting. Know that inside each addict there is a part of them that wants to quit, but if you’re following them around, waiting to find them caving (what us addicts call failing, which is a shitty hopeless feeling) only to get it again from a spouse or mate, becomes an endless cycle of Quit–>Fail–>Guilt–>Ridicue–>Repeat. The only thing you can do is support them when they say they’re ready. If they fail, they will try again if they really want to quit. If they don’t, then they don’t want to really want to quit. And if that’s the case, you as a spouse/lady friend needs to decide what’s important to YOU. Why you’re together. What brought you together. And prioritize that.
            Luckily, for me, my wife never badgered me about the habit. She knew I did it when we got together. Did she like it? Hell no, she despised it! But she left me alone in that area. And eventually I came to grips with my addiction. Of course a spouse will eventually find something else to pick at, haha! Seriously though, you need to let them find their own way to quitting and then support them.when they do. That is really the only way they will he successful at quitting.
            I’m not trying to be a jerk, though it can come across that way. But it’s about the quitter wanting it, not you.
            Be strong for them!
            -JP 3.4 years clean

    1. It is sad and i chew tobacco and it’s very hard to quit I think the hard part is not to run to it when I’m stressed I need help is their any one that can help me out

      1. Sarah, try the Herbal Chews, there are many available. All have different textures and tastes. Not sure they will help you with your stress, we all used nicotine for years to deal with the stress. You will have to find other avenues to vent the stress. Here on these threads or a group is a good spot. Personally, I found exercise the single most effective way to deal with a lot of the issues dealt with, when quitting.
        The Herbal Chews or “fake” dips, might help give you a little placebo effect if it’s the dipping part you are missing.
        That’s the best I can do for you. I chewed for nearly 30 years and I’ve been quit for over 2 years now…them first 100 days were the worst. I feel you, but i am here to say, it can be done if you stay strong and want it!
        Good luck!

        1. I bought these for my husband when he was quitting. It was a good start, and when he was out he wanted to try something else because the motion even tobaccoless was wanting him to have the urge. We also tried essential oils, there is a clove one and black pepper and her said that helped also.

          1. My hubby has just completed day 2 – he’s quitting for life insurance labwork, but intends on not starting back up after completing the requirements since he’ll be at least 2 weeks free. Curious to know more about the oils and how yours used them … capsul, spray, roll on, defused… ? Many thanks, B

  10. I am wondering the same thing. He said he sees nothing wrong with it. It relaxes him and compares it to drinking. He says he does it occasionally and can do what he wants, that he is not my child. It is more than occasionally and is increasing.

  11. Handcuff37,
    I chewed for 30/years…and besides the very small buzz I got from my very first 2-3 dips, I have NEVER been intoxicated by smokeless Tobacco. I do not agree that your husbands issues are to do with the smokeless tobacco. Based on what you’ve written, I think his issues are much deeper than a nicotine habit.
    You mentioned he had a DUI? Then you said he “passed out” with a dip in his mouth….it sounds more like alcohol abuse than a chewing tobacco habit.
    I also am concerned for your sons safety if your husband broke the kids collarbone “wrestling” around. If I were you, I’d get yourself and your son out of that environment until the issues of your husband can be pinpointed and or resolved.
    Again, I do not think this is a dipping issue, I have never felt “intoxicated” from smokeless tobacco…that “buzz” I mentioned earlier, was more of a dizziness than anything else and it left within 20 minutes. It sounds like your husbands problems are much deeper than a tobacco habit…it sounds like an alcohol problem.
    I would suggest he gets help there and if he refuses, then I’d get yourself and your son away from him.
    I pray for a good outcome!

  12. I am new here and really needing the support. My husband went through a big life change a 3 years ago with losing his job. He started a new job since and has been using chew more to sustain the long hours. This last labor day my 7 year old and I went camping 3 hours away and my husband was going to come the following day. Well against my suggestion to wait or to at least take the Jeep (the roads are poorlying lit and country winding) He was involved in a single vehicle motorcycle accident. Luckily he was unharmed, the motorcycle damaged and impounded and he was arrested for DUI. Oddly, I know better, I KNOW it was the Chew that impaired his driving. I notice he acts different on it, slurred speech, slow driving, takes a few minutes to say a single sentence. And top it off he may lose his job since it is with a CDL license.

    In October my father passed away. Driving to his funeral my husband drove off the road several times and fluctuated between driving 10- 20 mph under the speed limit and had a glazed look in his eyes. I was scared for my son and I and that there would be more funerals my family would be attending. I can’t take it! He rough houses with my son play wrestling and doing boy things. In December broke my son’s collar bone, in the midst of playing around. My son was having fun and giggling before hand, but again my husband was on the chew. I have threatened to leave and shouted at him, I have searched the house and found the stashes (mostly things on the not to do above). We went out on a lunch date to a local bar resteraunt that he frequents. I had never been there and the waitress brought a plastic cup with a napkin for his chew before we sat down. (Embarrassing!!!)

    I love, I adore my family, i would do anything for my son and I don’t want to see anyone hurt. The substance abuse counselor told my husband they never heard of smokeless tobacco causing impaired judgements and drunk behavior. Tonight was the last class with the counselor, he came home and was doing chew. He pretended or actually passed out with it in his mouth. When he thought I was asleep I heard him spit it out and trying to be so quiet. I simply asked how’s the quoting and he said not good.

    Please where do I go from here…..I’m so tired of pain and tears!

  13. I am the spouse of an HOF nicotine addict. I have never been addicted to anything more powerful than sugar. I have three elementary-aged children. I love God. I love my husband.

    My husband lets me know under no uncertain terms that I will NEVER know completely what it is like to go through nic quit. I agree. I also believe that he will NEVER know completely what it is like to be the spouse of someone going through nic quit. Additionally, and perhaps more poignantly: I believe that this is God’s design. There are certain things – painful things – that we should never fully comprehend unless and only if we are slotted to actually go through them. Some pains are enough without knowing the full extent they cause someone else.

    Having said this, this account is intended for the spouses…

    My husband and my story is probably like most of yours. When I met my husband, he had already been smoking for nearly half his life. He told me that he was not addicted and could quit at any time and I believed him. It did not take long for both of us to realize that this was just not true. This started years of watching my husband struggle with trying to quit. He put down cigarettes when our first born was nine months old. He switched to nicotine gum and hid the amount that he chewed from me. A while later someone offered him dip at work and he accepted. This started a six year lie. I had no idea he was chewing until he confessed on March 18, 2011. I remember the day. I remember the look on his face. I remember the punch in the gut as that ran through me. Not that he was chewing…that he LIED to me. He had a mistress – her name was nic and she took up his time, she spent his money, she whispered sweet lies in my husband’s ears, and she eventually wanted to take my husband’s very life. She didn’t care that he was married. That he had three beautiful children. She didn’t care that because of her, she made my husband feel dirty for keeping a lie. She didn’t care that the money she spent made my family have to scrimp in every little way. She didn’t care that my husband would die if he kept “seeing” her. And I hated her.

    When you hate something this much, it is hard to control your face whenever someone talks about it. See, whenever my husband would tell me about his addiction, I would get this face and I didn’t mean to get it. I really tried to control it, but it always came through and my husband would misread my utter hatred for this drug as disappointment (at best) in him. This made him want to hide his addiction out of shame.

    Years of swinging back and forth between trying to quit – quitting – and then starting again in secret multiplied into almost a decade until just under 200 days ago when my husband joined ktc. This is when the real hell started for our family (and praise God it did! – because this meant that for once my husband was actually quitting for real!!!). This is when my pure hatred for nicotine shifted toward a pure hatred for the spirit of addiction. I watched as my husband…no, I watched as the spirit of addiction (SOA) spoke through my husband to say and do some of the most hateful and hurtful things in those first few weeks. SOA turned everything inward for my husband so much so that he could not see outside of his own cravings even the tiniest bit. It became in his head that anything we as his family (and especially me, as his wife) did or said was some how against him. He made absurd accusations, cussed us, and generally treated us like crap – all symptoms of what he was going through. Have you ever been in so much pain that all you can do is lash out? You know: hurt people hurt people…. true.

    Knowing this made it only slightly more bearable. All of a sudden, the one whom I normally ran to to discuss my thoughts burdens problems and joys (my husband) was the one causing the negative and certainly in no mood to shoulder any more burdens. It would have been easy for me to feel alone. Instead, I ran to God. I spent most of my time keeping the kids occupied and out of their father’s way. The other spots of time I had were spent in two ways: #1.) keeping my face expressionless when my husband was spewing a barrage of disgust and #2.) screaming into my pillow behind our locked bedroom door. Through it all, God was with me and he became all that I had (mistakenly) counted on my husband to be in the past. He became my helpmate. The true lover of my soul. The shoulder to cry on. The sounding board. The comforter. My best friend. All the things he promised to be in his word (the Bible), but I never let him. What a gift I found in such a hard place.

    I cried. A lot. I talked to God. A lot. I wrote in my journal the things I felt like I said over and over to God without resolution – and that helped. A lot. And I stood on the promise that I knew – the spirit of addiction is a defeated foe. He will not win over my family.

    And time passed. One day at a time. And I pressed into my God. And my God pressed into my husband. And the spirit of addiction is losing his influence the more my husband lets go. My family comes out stronger on all fronts with complete surrender to God for everything. Is it still hard? Yes, on some days. The hardest part is watching my husband struggle. The spirit of fear tries to convince me I need to be scared that my husband will start again and hide it, but that is a lie. There is enough grace for it all no matter what the future holds. Today, my husband is quit. Today is all that matters. See, that’s just How Good God Is.

    1. Thank you for posting this! For the past three days, I’ve been in tears every night because my boyfriend is taking every “little” issue out on me (and I’m the problem). He’s going on week 3 of being chew free. I hope that this will pass really soon since this is out of character for him. He’s acting very bi-polar, but I’m praying that it’s only linked to tobacco withdrawals. It’s so bad that I don’t want to be in the same room as him. How long do you think this will last? World please say a prayer for me (and him).

    2. Thank you for posting this. My husband has never been my friend. I haven’t ever been able to come to him for anything. He was a drug addict for years and now he has been sober from that for 6 years now, dip is the last thing he is battling. I have been with him for 11 years he has been hiding everything from me for years. If he thinks it will start a fight then he hides it. He has convinced himself that pretty much anything will start a fight so he never talks to me ever about anything. If we are doing a project together sometimes he’s great to work with other times if I give my thoughts on something he won’t say anything. That makes me so mad when he just ignores me it’s rude. He says that when he does that he’s thinking something and he thinks if he says it it will start a fight. He has got to be out of his mind for thinking that if he has a better idea I welcome the advice. I would love to see him cooperate with me. There are times he does that and things go great then others where he is completely rude about it and that is what starts fights. But most of the time he doesn’t say anything. He has developed all of these ideas when he was under the influence and doesn’t ever seem to realize that I’m not the crazy one. I have done my best to love him but his brain doesn’t ever work right. He is on day 25 now and nothing seems to be any better. He tells me that I’m attacking him. He has been a liar sense before I met him that’s how he thinks. I can’t trust him anything he says and he blames that on me. Like I said he hid everything from me. We went through a rough time for quite a few years where we needed money bad. I was accepting money from my parents for help. then I found out that he was earning extra money on the side hundreds of extra a month. He had a smart phone that he was paying for that I didn’t know about he was going out to eat every day when I was worried wether or not the kids had enough to eat everyday. And still o was very good to him until I found out about it then he blamed me. He said if I would have known about the money I just would have found something else to spend it on. Keep in mind I hadn’t been out to eat in years I was going without new cloths. I was 25 and wearing hand me downs from my mother and sister. While my husband was going out to eat and spending money he bought a PSP and a lot of games. He was buying $100 Bluetooths and when they would break he would buy some more. He spent money every time he could. He hasn’t ever done anything to try and regain my trust doesn’t seem to really care and it has gotten worse since he has started quitting. If we are talking on the phone he will hang up on me for someing I said that he gets mad at. He doesn’t take things out on other people only on occasion that I know of he says it’s just me. He’s not going through anger problems that is me. He makes me cry all the time and seems to like making me cry. I do my best to cover it up but it’s hard. I feel like he wants to get mad at someone so he does things he knows will start and argument or hurt me. But the more I ignore it the more he does it. He won’t stop until I can’t ignore it anymore. Then when I bring it up he acts like he didn’t know what he was doing.

    3. Thank you for your story…my hubby of 12 years decided he was quitting today…while watching our younger 2 children while I was at work. After my 12 hour shift I call home and hear him curse our 2 year old and 6 month old. And then he hung up on me..I know it is a long road but I am more worried about violence…he put me down so much I lost it and then an empty waste bin at him and he jumped up and grabbed me in front of our 2 year old. he has never done anything like this before and just saying horrible things about how terrible I am. I know it is the addiction..hell I’m a nurse I know this crap but it still hurts so much…did I mention I am a cancer nurse at that….I don’t nag him about it anymore…I know the addict has to make up their mind to stop for it to happen. I just wish I could have prepared for it…now I worry about my little ones and if they will be okay in his care…maybe I just need to call in…I just don’t know…if it gets physical I don’t think I can handle it…God give me strength.

      1. Has he joined our forums Tammy? In addition to providing support and answers, it provides him an outlet for all that negative energy. Might be helpful for him.

        1. Reading everyone’s comments is both encouraging and scary at the same time. Scary because my husband and I are at the very beginning of this journey and it’s already very difficult. My husband has been dipping for over 20 plus year. He’s thought of quitting many times but when our 4 year old son starting mimicking “dipping” behaviors he decided on his own it was time. He had one dip 3 days ago and that was it for that day and since that day. That one dip made that day ok. I thought I knew what I was up against based on past times when he had went too long without his fix. The truth is I really had no idea. By the morning of day two he was already getting agitated easily. He began pointing out the things that I said that were somehow stupid or wrong or just plain annoying. What I didn’t know was by the end of the day he would refuse to talk to me because I couldn’t have “an adult conversation” because I rolled my eyes in frustration. I’ve been with this man for 15 years and married to him for 11 and I’m seeing a side of him, I’ve never seen. At least not to this level. I became frustrated with his constant snipping at me and the kids and I rolled my eyes. And that was all it took. We’re on day four and he’s barely talking to me or interacting with our kids. We have two. And he’s normally a great dad who comes home from work exhausted but still finds time and energy to play with his kids. Please tell me that there’s light at the end of this dark tunnel and it does eventually get better. I’m really struggling with being the enemy right now.

  14. Have any of you guys quit chewing and drinking at the same time? My hubby is struggling to do both. Any suggestions. I sent him the link. Hopefully he will get on here and vent. All y’all keep up the good work. Go outside a beat up a tree…don’t take it out on your girls…

  15. My husband is on day 5. Poor guy, he is miserable but determined. He is keeping the “rage tantrums” under control, but it’s spilling over in his sleep. As I type this, he is sleeping next to me. I just watched him bring his hand up to his mouth (spit cup) and then he sleep spit all over his hand and face ☹️ I cleaned him off and he never woke up.

  16. I am on my third day off chew, wife nagging me, only support is to say why you being such an ass, you were stupid to start in the first place…why freaking bother, but I need to for military, so gonna push through but glad to see some support from yall for your men, this sucks…

  17. My fiance is on his 3rd day of quitting, he has quit cold turkey, it’s been very hard for me, he’s spent the past 3 days calling me the worst names on the book , kicking me out of our house, and threatening to leave me… Today he asked me to go buy him a can of chew, do I buy one or do I keep putting up with the verbal abuse.
    He made the decision to quit on his own

  18. Hi, my husband has been chewing way before we met. He started when he was 16 and stopped for a several years then back at it. He says his been chewing total of 15yrs. I don’t know for sure. We’ve been married 3 going on 4 and he said he’d stop chewing when we first started dating.
    The first year we were dating he was diagnosed with diabetes, high blood pressure, and put on anxiety pills. Doctors flat out told him you have to stop tobacco to live longer. That sure didn’t change anything things got worse. Chewing was more frequent.
    Then I found out cancer from both parents gens exist.
    So this past year I found coffee grinds company to supplement the chewing. He quit his job and had no way to support the habit so then I bought him the grinds and he was just about finished chewing completely. Then he had to travel for a job interview and anxiety of flying kicked in and he started heavy chewing again. So when he got back he was full in effect chewing again. Then we moved for this job he desired to have and I loaded up on coffee grinds again. He uses the coffee grinds at a bored thing and to just shut me up about chewing.
    I have lost my grandmother after we get married from diabetes. I have a grandmother now who smoked for years and is being treated for tumors. I am started to get so grossed out having a conversation with him and that crap be in his mouth.
    I understand the habit and complex to stop chewing. I just don’t know how to support him if he takes it as a joke. Overall his health is at jeopardy as he continues to chew.
    Our daughter is 12 and says that gross. And has asked him to stop. Our son is 2 and he says its yucky too.
    I do I support him when I feel so disgusted and disappointed in him.

    1. From my understanding coffee will make it worse. He is already wired from not having dip coffee will just make that worse.

  19. My husband has been nicotine free for 39 days…I’m incredibly proud of him because he had a dip in every single waking moment since he was 19 (he is 45 now) and for some of those years, he smoked at the same time. This is huge for him and I love his dedication. My only concern is he is having severe trouble sleeping. Even with OTC sleep aids, his mind races at night. Last night, without sleep aids, he was wide awake until 4:00am. He is now sleeping soundly. Is this common with quitting nicotine? The first three days of his quitting, he slept all day and night, then his sleep regulated a bit, but the last week or so, he really struggles. I just need to know if this is common or if he should see a doctor. Thank you. This site rocks!!!

    1. Hi Jen – First off, thank you for supporting your husband in his journey. Congrats to him on a great decision!

      Sleep issues are 100% normal. It will take quite some time for his sleeping patterns to return to “normal”. His brain is re-wiring and learning to adapt to a world without nicotine… and sadly it’s going to take some time. Here’s a pretty accurate timeline that we’ve put together of the first 100 days or so of his quit: https://www.killthecan.org/your-quit/what-to-expect-when-you-quit-dipping/

      All of that said… there’s nothing wrong with him having a chat with his doctor and telling him what’s going on. If the OTC sleep stuff isn’t working the doc may be able to prescribe something a bit more potent that will help him get some shut eye. But as I said before, in general “sleep issues” are 100% nomrmal when quitting.

  20. Hi Mary,
    First off, I understand your feeling(s) above. You’re doing the right thing by NOT nagging him. Its unfortunate he’s been doing it still behind your back, I am sure it does feel like a slap in the face. But if you have never had an addiction, then you cannot truly know what he’s going through (maybe you have or had one). Every quitter on this site is an addict. Many of us are “recovering” from an addiction to nicotine (me included). For whatever reasons, people start the habit again after quitting (put me in that category too). I quit for 6 months back in the 90’s and made the terrible mistake of taking “just one” and BOOM, I started all over again. I am not saying this is what your husband did, but I do understand what the addiction is.
    Just know in your heart, your husband isn’t doing this to hurt you or other loved ones…in the end, he is an addict. I am approaching 1 year of being off this terrible stuff and to be honest, I have NO intentions on ever going back to it (it might happen, but will fight it everyday). I learned there is no such thing as “just one”, quit means quit!
    Your husband will have to figure this out for himself. I commend you on not nagging him and wanting him to quit for HIM not anyone else, this is exactly the formula for an individual to quit.
    I didn’t quit for my family, I quit for myself and he will need to have the “Man verse Himself” conversation to get there.
    If I can give you any advice, maybe tell him you are happy he quit in the past, you can’t possibly know what he must go through to quit, but you will support him in any way possible to get away from it again. It probably wouldn’t hurt to let him know you are disappointed he started again, but that you know it must be an awfully strong habit to kick because you know he wouldn’t continue doing something that hurt you, leave that with him. Ultimately, it will be up to him.
    This coming from someone who shares his life with a woman that endured 15 full years of that habit. She did nag here and there, but I think deep down, she “knew” I wanted to be free from it….WE ALL DO! She left me a lone throughout it and I gave her and my family HELL for the first month. Looking back, it was the chemical leaving my body and I was a hornet! I owed some people (including her) an apology for my behavior then.
    I hope I have said some things here to help comfort you, again, I know it must feel awful this habit continued behind your back, but the addiction to Smokeless Tobacco is REAL. I won’t lie, it was a part of my life for 25 years, but it was time for a change and I took the plunge to freedom. He will too in time Mary, it IS on his mind, promise!
    God Bless!
    Day #347 Free

  21. My husband was on his 3rd round of quitting since we’ve been together, each start is triggered by a stressful event. He’s a wonderful husband and father. I have been so proud of him for this most recent quit and so supportive- I thought we were at about 6 months of being done. We’ve even had conversations recently about how long it’s been and how great he’s doing. Come to find out, he’s just been lying to me and hiding it. I’m so hurt and disappointed that my best friend could lie straight to my face.

    I want to support him so badly without nagging – and I want him to quit for the right reason, himself, not for me. I just don’t understand how i’m supposed to just “excuse” his lying, that doesn’t seem fair. I don’t even know how to bring it up to him that I know but I want to address it. I also want him to know that i am here to support him. Any advice is welcomed.

  22. My husband has been dipping for about 5 years now straight. This is the first time now that he’s really decided to quit on his own which I’m so proud. It has now been about month and half since he’s quit and has been the biggest asshole to me. It’s truly hard to be supportive when I feel like I don’t even know this person.

    I’m not perfect; Ive said some things myself when we’ve fought recently and told him it probably has to do with him quitting and he told me No and to never mention that again.

    I really don’t think he knows what a b×*÷! He’s being and acting so weird. I truly don’t know how to be supportive of someone who is so selfish and disrespectful. I truly feel he is a pothetic excuse for a man and it’s sad to say, I wish he would start up again so I wouldn’t have to look at his disgusting face and deal with this attitude.

    I’m so over this!!

    1. My husband is treating me exactly the same way right now. Last night was another horrible night. I was actually afraid of him. I’ve become so depressed during the past week and a half.

    2. Phew, spousal support, hmmm.
      I quit smoking cigarettes almost 3 years ago, and I remember well how it felt, I can only imagine how it must be to quit chew. My husband is on his 2nd day and I am not looking forward to the next few month, but I am looking forward to the future when we can both look back and say….. Hey we quit nicotine. life is beautiful.
      Its frigging hard to kick nicotine and if you never had to do it, please show some compassion. If he bugs you, get out of the way… it will pass.

  23. My husband has decided to quit, again. Which I am extremely happy about and proud of him for. I know how hard it is for him, since he has quit a few times since we have been together. The time before this time though, his anger was out of control and he became verbally and emotionally abusive. It got so bad, I thought we would surely get a divorce. He hated me and everything I said and did got some kind of mean, harsh, sarcastic comment. I basically was told by him that I needed to support him and that this was hard for him, but I do not think that gives him the right to treat me, and talk to me like I’m some piece of trash, especially in front of our kids. It took about 2 months before he became himself again and he apologized.

    He had quit for about 8 months, and then I started noticing him smoking on occasion. He would get a cigarette from someone while watching the game or having a beer. I asked him, to stop. He worked so hard to quit, I was afraid that he would start again, and there was no way I could go through him quitting again. Well, a week or so later he started chewing again and told me it was my fault. If I had just let him smoke a cigarette every once in a while he wouldn’t have started again. You know what? I was actually fine with him starting again. He became nicer, more loving and actually could deal with life’s ups and downs with out losing his shi* over it.

    The thing is, every time he decides to quit, I get the short end of the stick. I get my own life’s ups and downs and his. So, I feel like quit or don’t quit, but stop being a douche bag to me and the ones who love you the most. Just because you are having a hard time, does not give you the right to treat me like dirt. Don’t expect me to keep getting over your douche-ness every time you decide to start and quit dip again. Please God, let this be the last time he decides to quit, because I can’t take much more of this.

    1. Oh my god, it was so encouraging to read what you said above. Mine has been trying quit for two months now. He makes it 7 to 10 days. These are 7 to 10 days of absolute hell for me, then a day of peace when he is smoking, then back to hell. I read that it takes 2 months for your emotions to stabilize. Every time he smokes, I get pissed because I know we are re-starting the 2 months during which he gets frustrated by everything that I do.

      I keep reading everyone saying that we should be there for them. However, it gets tiring. It wears on you when you live with someone who gets upset at everything that you do. I can’t accidentally touch him in the morning (he will accuse me of trying to wake him up), ask a question about anything (why am I so nosy?), use the bathroom, breath, eat, water the lawn, do anything. I have been exercising as much patience as I can. He tells me how annoying I am and how I frustrate him about every 30 minutes. We are told to take the high road because if we stand up for ourselves they will become stressed and smoke. Well, he’s going to smoke any way. He is too proud to use any assistance (patch, prescription, gum). I have held in the “go fuck yourself you irritable fucking prick. If I am so frustrating, fucking leave. I’d love not having you around” for two months. I also cannot take much more of this. In the end, he will still be a smoker and we will be divorced. He keeps saying that I married a smoker so I cannot blame him. However, I married a smoker, not this irritable ass hole who is trying to quit.

      1. Tough being a spouse married to an addict…I feel your anger and do understand your frustration(s). I hope your partner eventually sees his habit is wreaking havoc on your relationship, and maybe sees a quit will not only be good for himself but your relationship too.

        1. I’m new here. My husband has been dipping for years and every time I see him with a chew in his mouth I see cancer! We’ve discussed this many times and I hate the fact that our Dr and Dentist both say he is healthy. I just don’t know how to support him. I completely flipped on him this morning about it! We had a terrible terrible argument about it. We both said a lot of stuff to hurt one another. He is 53 and I just don’t want him to die young on me. After reading some of these posts. I realize that I threw our kids in his face and how wrong that was. Please help! So thankful I found this.

  24. My bf is so hateful. He made the decision to quit in December and I thought did. He had bragged about how easy it was to quit. I praised him. I. April I discovered he lied and hadn’t quit bit was sneaking around. Needless to say the lying is a major issue. But then he made a decision again to quit 2 weeks ago. It has been two weeks of hell on earth. He is angry. Curses at me. Accuses me of thinking things I’ve never even considered. It is awful! I don’t know if the withdrawals are really this bad or just an excuse for him to be an ass.

    1. I feel your pain. I know it gets better after a bit when the cravings ease up. I’m going through the same thing. When I ask him to try to be kinder, even though I know things are tough for him right now, he barks at me saying that it has nothing to do with quitting. Since this is like his 4th time quitting, I know better and know that the mean comes from withdrawl.

  25. My husband refuses to quit the can. I’m absolutely sick of it to the point where I don’t even want kiss him. I don’t know what else to do or where to turn.

    1. I’m so in your boat here. I finally spoke up and voiced my disgust after dinner in a nice restaurant he addressed the waiter with a tooth full of gross. Wow that blew up on me. He flushed all the snuff and asked me to give the neighbor his entire cigar collection. 5 humidors full. Declared hes quitting for me not him. He is really hateing me so much right now and here comes the mean and nasty. This is the fourth time for us in 15 years. I’m not sure how to support him but feeling completely helpless and hurt.

  26. My boyfriend just told me he started dipping 4 months ago while he was out of town for work. He had dipped when we first started dating, but stopped after a couple months of us being together. I didn’t say anything about hating it then because we weren’t very serious (we were only living in the same city for three months then I was moving across the country). Now, 4 years later, he started up again.
    Now that he’s told me, I have a lot of feelings I don’t really know how to handle. At first, I was just really upset and angry that he lied to me about it. We talked about that and I forgave him because I understand that he didn’t tell me because he knew I’d be disappointed. Now that I’m mostly past that, I’m upset he’s doing it again because he knows the health risks and how I feel about it.
    We’re supposed to move in together in the next 6 months, and now I’m scared that we’re going to fight all the time because of how much I hate the dipping. Right now, he doesn’t do it in front of me and doesn’t leave dip cans out, but I don’t want him feeling like he has to hide it in his own home when we leave together, so I told him he doesn’t need to hide it from me any more. I’d rather that than him constantly worrying about me “catching” him in the act. When I brought this up, he got mad at me and basically just said if we fight about him dipping, it’s my fault because I’m making too big of a deal out of it. Maybe I am, but I’m just being honest about how I feel. Any suggestions for how to move past hating dipping so much that it’s affecting your relationship? He has no desire at the moment to stop dipping, so I need to learn to deal with it or I feel like our relationship could be at risk. I love him and don’t want this to happen, but I know that he isn’t going to quit for me, so I feel like it’s on me to change my mindset. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

  27. Maybe you need to understand that it needs to be his quit, not yours.

    I didn’t quit for my wife, I quit for myself. The reward for my quit is my family, my health, and my personal self pride of kicking the nic bitch ass.

    You want him to quit, but before you freak out the he is not quitting, just know, the nic bitch will lie, she is in control. Your man needs to pull up his big boy pants and quit on his own… Not you.

    It’s funny, my wife and I were just talking about today is day 136 for me, and the money we saved( over $700), and then I came across your post.

    See, I quit on my own, so did many of my friends here, have him visit this site and talk to us, we can offer help.

    But, if my wife would have bitched about my Copenhagen, and told me you better quit, I would have resented her, my quit would have failed.

    The only true successful quitter is someone who did it for him/ her self!

    Sorry if you don’t like my tone,or my direct message, but it’s the truth.

    Day 136

  28. My boyfriend told me he was quitting before we started dating(and before he knew my feelings about tobacco), I was so proud of him and excited because tobacco use is a deal breaker for me but I realllly liked him and believed he really wanted to quit. I printed him a bunch of information from this site and got him candies and things I read on here that were useful in your quits. We celebrated every month he on his quit day… Then fast forward 7 months later we are on vacation I’m looking for something I had packed in his bag I find a can of dip. I ask him about it he says he just started a week before and swore up and down. I asked him if he really even wanted to quit, he says he wants to try and I say no you just need to quit if thats what you want (I’ve learned from this site if you give yourself an out its not going to work). I was very hurt he was doing something behind my back, even if it is embarrassing for him. I tell him everything, probably too much.

    But I loved him and believed him, he said I could do whatever I needed to do to earn his trust back. I could ask I could look etc, I wanted to just trust him so I never looked, (I did ask and he always said no). until one day he was oddly protecting his backpack and I just knew. Again there was a can, he stated he did not know how it got there (really?) and continued to lie until he finally told the truth. We had a huge talk where I explained to him the biggest issue was that he continued to do something behind my back, which after the first time it happened I explained to him that if he just told me it would be a million times better than if I found out without him telling me. I said I needed to know that I could trust him and he would tell me the truth even if it was hard. And I gave him a few days to really think about if he really wanted to quit, he said yes and said all the right things. I kept telling him about this site and he finally signed up. He wrote his introduction and it was a completely different story than he had told me.

    Turns out he only quit for 2 months, so all those months I celebrated with him he was deceiving me, the first time I found out he was using and he lied and said it had only been a week he was deceiving me. And when i asked him about it he said he was just embellishing his story because you guys wouldn’t take him serious if he had already quit for 7 months, it took him 5 more times to tell me the real truth (this after are huge discussion about telling the truth) I understand this is an addiction and that Im not an addict so I will never really understand but I do understand lying. That is what is the worst part of all of this. It makes you question everything. Tobacco use is something I have always felt strongly about, I work in healthcare and see the awful side effects of it everyday and how it affects patients and their families, that is just not something I was my loved ones to go through or to go through myself. It is an awful way to go.

    You all might think I’m a controlling, nagging, bitch but I’m looking for insight. I know lying can be a part of addiction, but am I supposed to sit here and just keep getting hurt by lies? I’ve encouraged him to just tell me the truth, if hes having a craving let me help him, but he just thinks I’m going to think he is weak but he’s never given me a chance. He only sees my reaction when I find out hes doing something behind my back and i’ll admit its not my best moment. I read this site almost every day, I’ve tried giving countless tips and tricks that I read in your stories. I feel like I’m more invested in his quit then he is.

    I was thinking about spending my life with this man but how do I do that if I can’t completely trust him? I thought we were like teammates and then to find out there was stuff going behind my back it just stinks. Maybe I just needed to vent, thanks for reading.

    1. I am completely on board with what Jeff posted in his response Kelly. And its not to be siding with your boyfriend….its because if he “really” wants to quit, its got to be about him, not you or the way you feel about smokless tobacco. While I do agree with you, it is some nasty shit and an awful habit….I didn’t listen to anyone about how gross it was….nor did in really view it that way when I did it. If you are trying to catch him doing it, then that’s about the same as telling him “the can or me”. Tobacco….nicotine particular, is a serious addiction. And if you don’t have an addiction or never have, than you cannot sympathize with what he’s going through. Again, I am not choosing sides here….rather, I am trying to give you a peek at this habit through the eyes of someone who did it for 25 years and just quit 162 days ago. Its a tough habit to break! Once you get past the physical cravings, you then have to deal with the oral fixation….I still am dealing with it. Not to mention the weight gain….and the other mind games. It is a real addiction.
      This quit, if he truly wants to quit, will have to come from deep within HIM. Not from a ultamative or any outside pressure. He, as Jeff said (and a great example), will need to put on his big boy pants and commit to the quit. He won’t do for anyone but himself. Many spouses, women in relationships, come on here and feel betrayed….its normal to feel that way. But he isn’t doing it to hurt you, he’s an addict, just like 20,000 others on here. Sometimes users feel if they hide the addiction, that the people that care and love them (that’s really why people nag the addict, THEY CARE!) Can’t see it and won’t be hurt. But usually it backfires…and they end up feeling betrayed.
      I would say you need to let him decide when its time and it might be when you stop asking him or 5 years down the road. Point him to this website, we welcome all new comers and it offers him a place to experience what we all go through when quitting.
      I stumbled across this site about a month before inchise to quit…and have been thankful since. I hope you guys can get through this together and he has a successful quit. Merry Christmas!
      -JP Day #162

  29. Today is day 12 for my boyfriend quitting dip. He has dipped around 30 years. He is having stomach surgery and must quit or chance of infection. He is very much on board and succeeding. But he is so irritable and really let me have it last night on about issues he has with me and my teenage daughter that seem to have been pent up for a while. It was so hurtful, nasty and heartbreaking. He left and is staying with a friend. I am reading info on this site and know I need to continue to try to ignore these outbursts but it is really hard and some thinks just can’t be taken back. Any advise?

  30. We’ll done Jayp!

    I know we have talked about this subject in the past, and again you nailed it.

    Wife of an addict, quitting is very personal, what I mean by this is, there are is only one person that can decide to quit, it’s your hubby. Like jayp mentioned, when we quit, we did it for our selfs, and the benefit of our quit is celebrated by our families.

    I can tell you this, my wife never asked me to quit, she actually supported my nic addiction.

    My decision to quit was mine, no one else, she helped me thru the toughest days, and has told me so many times how proud she is that I did it.

    I understand the “stress” of being in the military, I was in the Marine Corp for 8 years, I had many of the same life events as your husband. When he is ready, and I also think he is close, he will quit.

    Have him join us here, ask us questions, we will support him, as we have already been through the major battles.

    Day 114

  31. Hello, I need some help/advice. My husband has been chewing on/off again since high school. His addiction grew stronger when he was in the army due to high stress situations and since he’s been out we’ve had a lot of life changes: buying a house, getting married, he started college then quit college and then we recently had a baby which = change and more stress for him. He promised to quit dipping before we got married. He was successful for about two 1/2 months and then a stressful situation came and he started dipping again. He then said he wanted to quit for our baby girl. Unfortunately having a baby is quite stressful. And she is now 3 months. Today is day 1 of not dipping for him. I’ve been through over 30 day one’s with him in the last two years. He’s so mean and ornery, and knows how to cut deep with his words. He blames me for his dipping saying I cause him too much stress. Several days ago he told me to be stern with him, told me to not give in to him, told me if he acts like an ass to tell him to stop and just go to bed. But it just doesn’t work like that. I’ve been trying to stay positive I’ve been trying to help him with different ways. I’ve tried to leave him alone. It’s just so hard with an infant. I feel like I’m by myself. I’ve been reading your website and the testimonials. He has tried the smokey mountain for awhile but it didn’t work. Also tried sunflower seeds. Tried weaning himself off. Cold turking it a countless number of times. I know it’s an addiction I get that…I just don’t know how to support someone you love when they tell you you’re the problem. I’ve given in to him so many times just giving him the “ok” to buy another can bc I can’t stand how mean he gets. However I know that’s enabling him. I just need advise. Please help.

    1. I’m not by any means a “pro” on this. I have been tobacco free for 139 days today. I chewed tobacco for over 25 years and finally decided it was time to quit on July 15th. I didn’t do it for anyone (spouses, kids, family, etc…) but myself. And all I can tell you is that in order to quit and remain quit, it has to come from deep within. Having a tinge of anger towards the habit certainly helps as well. I did use the fake chew to start with, and sunflower seeds as well. I even gained 20 lbs in the process and I am a very active male. But you cannot out run your fork! I too was an ornery SOB during the first 30 days….that passes, as does the weight gain, as does the need for the fake dip (I am currently only taking 2-3 fake chews a day currently). That oral fixation, well I am certain that takes much longer, because I am plowing through the sunflower seeds still….about a bag every 2 days!
      To me, without diving too far into your life, it sounds that honestly, your husband is “close” to quitting this terrible habit. He is at least trying. Each time he quits, he’ll learn what did and did not work with quitting. For me, I just was fed up with the habit. The nasty ass bottles floating around the house, my worn out mouth, the cost of the habit….which continued to climb, falling asleep with that shit in my mouth, waking up to immediately pop in another….it was just getting out of hand…time for a change. I got pissed about it all and quit….and remain quit. My advice is to point your husband here. There are a boat load of addicts here that understand what he’s going through. I “secretly” hung around here for about 3 weeks before quitting. I have since met a lot of people like me, same stories, same miserable feelings during the habit and during the quit. Tell him to take the 100 day challenge. No dip, nicotine at all….for 100 days. Many people on this site start there….if he can make it that far, chances are, he’ll quit and remain quit. Just know, this habit, IS NOT, your fault.
      I am not going to paint pretty pictures here, kicking the can is a tough, TOUGH, feat. Even at 139 days….I still get the occasional crave. But they are short lived and a long way in between. I know its hard to support someone when they are blaming you for the habit….but it isn’t your body, it isn’t your hand putting the dip in his mouth…..so itsnt your fault. It will be on him and only him to decide when he is ready. That much I learned myself from my quit. I wish you and your husband luck on this quit…tell him to come here and have a look around, maybe he finds something to spark another quit. We welcome new comers, I try to help where I can.

      1. Excellent post jayp! Very thorough and informative. I’ll always look forward to hearing from you! I referred my wife here too. She needed to know she’s not the only one.

        1. Thanks Rick, as mentioned, I’m here to try to help where I can. This is a great place for a spouse to ask questions and get an unbiased answer/opinion. They too are part of the quit.

    2. The meanness and unprovoked anger / irritability are the absolute worst … I have 2 small children under 3 and I can totally relate to your feelings. My husband has quit now for almost 4 weeks and is still out of control with his mean comments and temper. It’s almost just too much to take most days. I try to be supportive and just end up walking around on eggshells all day:( it’s been 11 years we’ve been together and I’ve been through this too many times to count. I don’t even ask him about it anymore.

  32. I am at a total loss as to how to get my husband to want to quit… We have a baby on the way, and I don’t want to raise our son around dip (one of my husband’s frequent excuses for dipping is because his dad did it for years and “never had any issues”) plus I constantly worry about my husband’s health long-term. He keeps promising me he will quit, and has attempted multiple times, but always seems to go right back. It is simultaneously frustrating and heart-breaking for me to watch the cycle continue! I know he cares, and I understand how hard it is for him, but I keep trying to explain to him that it will never get any easier if he just continues to do it. Any advice on how to encourage him to truly commit to quitting and stop going back?

    1. Hi Caroline,
      Its a good (and encouraging) thing your husband has promised you he would quit the habit. This means he is at least “thinking” about a quit. This is, in my opinion, the most important part of the quit equation. As I’ve stated to the others above, I would point him to this website if he is ready to quit. There are several quitters here that understand what’s going on with his addiction (me included). I am currently at Day 76 of my quit. I will say the first 30-40 days were pure hell for me. I spent a lot of time on this site reading what others were going through, and it was the same stuff I was experiencing… which made it a little easier to know what I was feeling was normal. Also, your husband can find MANY tobacco alternatives he can use for his quit. There are several companies out here that offer “fake” dips. I have and still use them thus far in my quit. They are non-tobacco and there are also nicotine free versions as well (what I use). I won’t lie to you, the habit he has is a real addiction. I quit nicotine cold turkey and begin using the fake chews….and I had a month long battle with withdraw. I used smokeless tobacco for 25+ years….its not been a cake walk by any stretch. But I am feeling MUCH better today than I did. And I have no plans to ever use tobacco again. Coming here and posting comments and reading what other members are going through will help him get through the tough times. And using the fake dips help with the oral thing dippers deal with. I also have become a BIG fan of sunflower seeds. They too take care of that oral fixation, but I will caution, there is a lot of salt in them. If salt intake is an issue….there are low sodium ones out there.
      But for him to quit and remain quit, its going to need to come from deep within…at least that’s how I did it. I was fed up with it and was time for me. Maybe when your baby is here, he might look into his eyes and have a heart to heart with himself. Things like that have happened to me members here…I’ve read a few.
      The best thing to do is to not guilt him into a quit or force it….he will continue it behind your back and will only cause you to feel betrayed!
      Good luck and I hope he makes the decision to quit soon! And please! Point him here when he decides to!! We’re all in this together (spouses too). ~JP

  33. Day 60

    I am not sure if its appropriate to post my quit here, but I am gonna do it anyway, you guys can take my post off if you want.

    Two Stinking Months I been off the Shitsky and I am proud..

    Dude if you are contemplating quitting?, Do it!!!, Just Do it!! I dare you, I know you all can do it too.

    I know you got what it takes,

    You know how when you got started Doing this Shit, you felt like a MAN, a tough guy?

    Well It takes a Much Bigger Man to Quit. Be that Man, OWN it Fellas, Own that Shit.

    Come on Do it!!, and then come back here and tell us all about it, there are a bunch of guys here that will listen to your progress, rants, failures, whatever the Hell you want to talk about. I know they heard it from me, its been 2 Months and I’ve written almost every day.

    So What’s your story?

  34. Thanks for your input. My husband likes chewing and has no desire to quit. I asked him to quit like he agreed to do when we dated. We have been married 5 years now. I asked him to quit a year ago. You are right I just made it worse. He started drinking beer 1 a night then 2 a night and then later to find out he never really quit chewing. I am trying hard to stay connected and not feel second to this addition. So I am trying to learn to stay out of managing his addition and focus on myself. I do try to model healthy choices to all those bad foods I like to eat but it doesn’t really matter to him. I try to redirect my thoughts of disappointment about us being a team and helping each other because he isn’t ready. I kiss him still but not as much as I could because I don’t want cancer of the mouth or those chemicals in my body. I am trusting God to keep me safe from harm from his addiction. I already had skin cancer removed from my face and I don’t want to ever have to make a decision like that again. I just wish he could grasp the magnitude of his addiction because it affects everyone. Neices and Nephew who love him what to do what he does…they are too young to know how bad and addicting it is or that they will spend a lifetime trying to quit; or that they don’t have the desire to build a stronger relationship with their wife because their thoughts are consumed with getting away to chew tobacco. I am honest with him. This is my second marriage so I constantly fights back the triggers of feeling unwanted, unworthy, ugly, unlovable and no fun to be with. I am thankful I have God in my life and he is enough.

    1. Hi Diana, I’m sorry you too are going through an addiction with your husband. I guess if he never plans on quitting, then he just isn’t thinking about doing it “now”. You’re right, by asking him to quit, he might, but will do it behind your back. And this isn’t despite you, its an addiction and he doesn’t want to to it in front of you to continue your pain. I see a lot of spouses above, that are upset that their spouses “lied” and continue the habit. I understand they may feel betrayed, but being hooked on smokeless tobacco for so many years, I can say its the addiction, not betrayal. And is why I said not to “force” a quit, but to be supportive and use finesse. I also would suggest, as Jeff did above, some of the non-tobacco/nicotine herbal chews out there. Smokey Mountain is one of them that is out there in Walmart stores. Its “like” chewing tobacco, but isn’t tobacco and has no nicotine. I have had great success on these herbal chews, in fact I still am using them (not as frequent as I was) in my 70+ days away from smokless tobacco. And point him here, the owners and members of this site will welcome all new comers with open arms (spouses too). We will help as much as we can Diana. And you sound like God is in your life (good), PRAY for him!
      Take care and continue to hope Diana, Good Luck!! ~JP

  35. Well I have a real bad case of a tobacco chewer; I have been married for 12 years and my husband has dipped the entire time. He dipped before we got married and he said he would quit but he never did. I may have never married him knowing how bad it was. I feel like I have been beyond patient with it but feel like it has slowly destroyed our marriage. We have 2 daughters and they are older now and notice it. When they were little they didn’t notice it but now they do and they see the cans everywhere in the house and in his truck. We have had many fights about it; he promises he will try to quit but never does. I have lost respect for him, never ever kiss him because I am so turned off by it. It’s such a shame that it has come to this. I don’t even want to sleep with him anymore b/c I am so grossed out by it. I love him and everything else about him except this. He is a good dad to our girls but this just ruins everything for me. I feel like I have no hope that he will ever quit, and sometimes I wish he would get a warning from his doctor about cancer or something as it needs to come from somebody besides me. What should I do??

    1. Hi Kim, I’m sorry you feel lost with your spouses addiction. I know being married to a dipper, you feel the habit infringes on you too. Try to understand, he isn’t doing this despite you. He isn’t continuing this habit to hurt you or your daughters. In fact, it isn’t about you at all…it’s just an addiction. The best thing I can say is, be patient with him. If he’s said he will quit, he will, when it’s time. And by time, I mean on his watch, no one elses. If he’s forced to quit or an altimative is used, he might quit, but I can guarantee, it will continue when no one is around. Your story sounds so close to mine. I have a wife who doesn’t (and never has) have an addiction. She couldn’t possibly know how hard the habit is unless she herself had an addiction. The habit of smokeless tobacco, I read, can be compared to that of a heroin addiction! It’s really a tough habit to break. Especially if he’s done it for a long period of time (I did it for over 25 years). I also have 2 daughters, young, but they are old enough to recognize what Dad’s “yucky stuff” is. For me, it wasn’t about quitting for my wife or kids, I just decided I was going to try and quit on a certain date (July 15th 2014) and I did. I was tired of it, to be completely honest. It wasn’t anything to do with my family, health, appearance….none of that, I simply was tired of it. And let me tell you, it was not easy. Everyday it does get easier, but those first 30-40 days were pure hell. Today is Day 70….and I don’t think I will ever go back.
      What I would suggest is to not be confrontational about it, but supportive. Tell him about this site. I stumbled across it, just before I was going to quit and I’ve visited it everyday since my quit. There are 20k other people here (last I read) that all get what’s going on with his addiction. I am not trying to sell you on anything, just that I know what you are going through, my wife went through it too. I was the one that told her to come here and read what she’s in for, on this page, with my quit. And although it has been tough on her and the girls, they have supported my grumpy ass through all of this. “Try” to support his decisions, remember why you got married and had kids, it wasn’t about his addiction, it was about you two. He needs you to support him and when it’s time, he will quit, we all do!! ~JayP

      1. Thanks for your reply. I know it’s not about me personally but it does affect me personally and my desire for him is affected. It also affects the children who are embarrassed of his habit in front of their friends and others. I don’t want my kids growing up having to be shamed of their dad’s “habit”. So in essence I am tired of being “supportive”.. I get what you are saying but being supportive just means to quit nagging him about it and deal with it and leave him alone about it. It’s like a drunk that won’t quit drinking so you just have to leave them to get away from it. I am angry that I have to deal with this in my married life, I don’t want to. He doesn’t care and now he won’t even say he is going to try and quit. I guess I can either leave him or be supportive and not ever talk about it, hoping that one day he may decide to quit on his own.

        1. Hi again Kim. I can defintley hear your frustration. I am not in your marriage, so I cannot attest to what you are going through. I just wanted to point out it takes time for someone with this strong addiction, to decide its time to quit for good. I know an addiction is an addiction, but honestly don’t think this particular one compares to that of an alcoholic. Maybe it does in your situation, again I cannot for say with certainlty. To me, I think its just more annoying to the spouse than anything else. I get not wanting to kiss a man that has a mouth full of tobacco, I wouldn’t either if I were a woman. If he absolutely doesn’t plan to quit and you cannot look past the addiction, then I think those are personal decisions for you to make. But if he has told you he “wants” to quit and just doesn’t know how, then this is when your support is needed. To be fair, some people just have no interest in kicking their habits…that’s something for you two to discuss. I hope things work out for you both and he finds the courage to drop this habit, its a tough one to break. You take care and be strong!!

    2. Kim
      I totally agree with JayP. I found this site and read all about how people can quit, but I did it on my own. I told my wife I was quitting and having her see this site also helps allot.
      I think the one thing I would add, is. Maybe have your husband try Smokey Mountain chew. It’s not tobacco, and no nic. Maybe he can start by adding some smokey into his dip, and gradually using more …

      Good Luck Kim
      As you can see. There are allot of us on this site willing to help
      Jeff. Day 46

  36. I really need help dealing with this issue. My husband and I (just married) have been together for 3 years and I knew early on that he dipped, but was led to believe it was seldom…he knew early on that I hated it, thought it was absolutely disgusting, and he promised to quit. He has quit for months at a time, but has always gone back…some stress comes into our life, something triggers that need. He is recovering from a bad cough and I am scared to death that there might be something more serious going on…he just can’t shake it. So, whenever his dipping comes up, and I am SOOOO careful to not nag or be judgmental…just express my concern and initially, he is very cool about it, knows he needs to stop, makes the decision to stop, but if I notice he has started again and ask him why he gets angry and tries to turn the argument on to me…how he can’t do anything right for me, how I think he can just stop overnight (which I know isn’t the case). I feel like I walk a tightrope over this issue with him. There is no kind, loving, gentle way to express my concern, fears, sadness, disappointment…without triggering his anger.

    1. Hi Alex – thanks for checking in. I feel your pain for sure. Have you pointed him to this site and our forums? http://forum.killthecan.org/ Perhaps point him to us at a time when his quit is NOT the issue. IE, don’t wait until you’re fighting about it. With nearly 21,000 members it’s the best place out there for him to get questions answered and support from people who “get it” cause we’ve all been there before. Also, if you think it would help, please have him reach out to me directly – chewie(AT)killthecan.org – I’m happy to help.

  37. My husband’s mother passed away just last Tuesday (8/5/14) And of all the nights for me to find out that my husband has been smoking, that would be the night. His uncle kinda slipped up by saying something. I was going to deal with it AFTER he grieved the lost of his mom. He works offshore and was actually on his way out to work before he got the call to come home. I was there at his family’s waiting for him. (thats when I found out) He finally pulled up a couple hours later. I didn’t say anything or do anything. Was just there for him. A little bit later I went in his truck to see if my suspicions were correct. I had THOUGHT it was a smoke here and there. Like bumming off others or whatnot. Also I have seen proof of it here and there for a LONG time. Finding small lighters in his pockets, in the washer/dryer, even in my truck. Also once I found a rolled up butt in the washer and when he denied it was his I actually questioned my 9 yr old son. (He looked at me like I was retarded. lol) But I never said more then that. Just when I seen something I questioned it and that was it. I’m far from stupid and I notice little things. Even noticed the smell once on him. Again didn’t go into a big thing about it. When we first met he smoke VERY RARELY. At least around me. So I never thought it was a problem. He told me he only smoked like 2 or 3 at most in a day. I told him then he shouldn’t even smoke at all. And it wouldn’t take much for him to quit. He never smoked around me again. And we pretty much lived together only a month after we started dating. Keep in mind he works offshore. So he’ gone 2 weeks and home 2 weeks. He’s around me nearly 24/7 when he’s home. So I feel SO stupid that I never knew what was really going on behind my back. What I found in his truck. A brand new pack of cigs AND a 5 PACK OF SNUFF. I LOST IT!!!!! Let me also say this. I am 3 months pregnant. So my emotions are not my own right now and haven’t been for the last 2 months. I still didn’t lose my cool in front of the family. I went up to him and asked him to come talk to me. I TALKED to him. Didn’t yell or anything like that. I asked him how long he’d been smoking. He acted like he didn’t understand the question. And just went on lying to me. Thats when I threw the cigs and snuff at him. Still just talking. I asked him one final time and begged him to be honest. He said our entire relationship. I was floored and beyond hurt. I said thank you and walked away. Let me also add this. I am an ex smoker. I smoked for about 10 yrs. a pack to sometimes 2 packs a day. I quit Nov. 18, 2009. So going on 5 yrs. Granted for me I wasn’t really addicted to it. I stopped cold turkey. I know. lucky me. He doesn’t smoke or dip (YUCK!) while he’s home. And if he can go 2 weeks every month without it then its not a habit. Sorry, just how I feel about it. Also one other thing that I should add thats important. His mother just passed because of smoking. She got lung cancer a couple yrs ago. STILL smoked after she found out. Actually beat it. Yet STILL smoked. Then she had a fall and shortly after found out she had a brain tumor. The Dr’s say the fall unlogged some cancer that was apparently left over and it moved to her brain. She died like 6 months later if not sooner. Also he just lost his step dad to lung cancer last year in Sept. I love my husband more then life. I love him with every ounce of my being. So the thought of losing him is unbearable. And I can’t watch him die like his step dad and mom. I’m a pretty healthy person and try my best for my whole family to be the same. Dipping the one of the nastiest things anyone can do, along with smoking. I can’t be with a toothless person. lol Also I worry about mouth cancer. And just the thought of kissing a mouth that has dipped (rather they brush or not) discuss me. I am still SO hurt of being deceived our entire relationship. (Nov. 9th will be 3 yrs) I am trying so hard to let it go. To forgive him and to move on from this. But it keeps crossing my mind. I am far from perfect. But I could not lie to him everyday that I’ve known him. How can you do that to someone you claim you love and cherish. We tried for close to a year to get pregnant after my surgery. (Had to have my tubes reversed so we could have a baby) and he knew that smoking can hinder a couple from conceiving. That makes me mad also. Anyway. getting off topic. I’m sorry this got so long. But I figure if you knew all the details if would better help everyone understand exactly whats going on. He has once again promised me he is totally done with tobacco/nicotine. (I get these intuitions about things and one day out the blue I asked if he had been smoking while at work. He said yes and promised it wouldn’t happen again). But anyway. here is my story. As much as I love him I don’t think I could stay with someone that doesnt care enough about his health and quality of life to stop doing what he knows is bad and can shorten his life with his family.

  38. I am in a tough situation right now and I need support to get me through it. My boyfriend has been doing dip for over 15 years and he’s only 37. He has tried quitting a couple times but never has been successful for more than a few weeks (which I thought was amazing in itself). During that time he was a completely different person, calm, collected, approachable, and he was a lot more relaxed our his children. It was so nice to be around him. But he keeps picking back up again and it is starting to aggravate me. He’s lazy, gets mad easier, leaves dip cans ALL over the house and car. And worst of all, when he’s chewing, he isolates himself fr us and goes and plays videogames. He will tell him kids not to bother him when they are annoying him. Thank god his children haven’t consumed any of it by now on accident. This behavior is getting to me. I do not want to leave him over this because that seems a little drastic. But, I am beginning to think about it. We want children of our own some day and I definitely don’t want him chewing still by then. He says that when I bring it up it only makes him more stressed, but I’m tired of enabling it. Not to mention, we BOTH are recovering alcoholics , so I know when he is manipulating and rationalizing the addictive behaviors. Please help because I’m totally stuck on what to do. Thanks 🙂

  39. My husband started dipping About 6months ago. He started just at work at strict job sites where there was No smoking on premises. He then quit smoking with an electronic cigarette and began dipping more and more often. I HATE it. Had he done this when I met him we would not be married it is a deal breaker for me. He says he is cutting down but every time he does it we have a huge fight. I know that isn’t helping but I feel like with 7 billion people on this world I married one who doesn’t care about my opinion. It makes me so unattracted and I view him as being weak and making excuses. I quit smoking cold turkey and never got sympathy for it. I feel like the worst wife and I tell myself to be patient and supportive and it will help more than anger but I can’t help it in the moment. Help me!!!

  40. I found your site while trying to better educate myself about dip addiction and how to help my boyfriend quit. I must say, it is an amazing resource and I thank you. I am a cancer survivor (not tobacco/nicotine related) and smoking/dip is a highly sensitive issue for me. I found out after our first few months of dating that he had lied to me and was smoking/dipping the entire time. While I felt highly betrayed, I worked through the trust issue and focused on trying to help him quit. He promised to finish out a week of smoking (which he did) and asked for about 3 weeks to dip to get him to a quit date. I respected and encouraged that. It has now been months of him dipping with no resolution. It causes us arguments and while he said he’d never do it around my kids, he now does all the time. It’s an especially sensitive issue for me being both a cancer survivor and mom of 2 young boys. Today, he said he wanted to get an ecigarette. I feel like that is a step in the wrong direction and is just yet another substitute instead of genuinely trying to quit. Plus, I am not ok having my boys see that smoking action or the unknown effects of the not-so-safe vapor. We want to plan a life together but this is so huge for me. I genuinely want more than anything to be supportive but don’t want to be strung along with something he may never really have the intention to do. I’ve recommended he check out this site but he wasn’t receptive to it today. I know this site is for him and not me. I suppose I just hoped to gain a bit of clarity from those who have been through it. 🙂

  41. I need help knowing how to support my boyfriend to quit dip….. We are not married, but I love him so much. I want to just cry reading the above article. I feel like I did all that the 1st paragraph said not to. It has never once been my intention to push him or make him resent me. Thank you for this article & everyones comments too, I can not tell you how much insight it’s given me. I’m going to start by asking any more advice anyone could give ‘the supportive girlfriend’ & also try to introduce my boyfriend to this sight. Thank God for ya’ll really

  42. My fiance has been using chew since he was a teenager. I’ve been with him for nearly 8 years. He knows it isn’t good for him and wants to quit. He has cut back a lot since we first met. He is willing to quit, but needs something to help. I just ordered a can of Bacc Off for him to try. I’ll order anything I need to get him to quit. He tried Smokey Mountain in the past, but didn’t care for it. Any suggestions on anything else to try if the Bacc Off isn’t to his taste would be appreciated. I’ve been reading reviews and searching everywhere for something. I wish more stores carried products so they would be more accessible. I’m really happy that he is serious about quitting. I know it is going to be tough on both of us, but we know it is for the best.

    1. Hi Tammi – thanks for stopping by and for being so integral in your fiance’s quit! There are several great alternative products out there. We’ve got reviews and coupons available here: https://www.killthecan.org/your-quit/smokeless-alternatives/ Also, when he’s really ready, I’d suggest he join our forum at http://forum.killthecan.org/ We’ve got over 19,000 members who “get it” cause we’ve all been there before. It’s the best place on the web to get support and questions answered from people who know what he’s going through.

  43. just found out today that my husband never quit a few years ago like I thought he did. I must be the dumbest clueless wife around. He is going to try to quit and I want to support him.. trying really hard not to be upset about all of this since I think he is upset enough for both of us. He won’t get on this site since he does not use a computer and when I try to read some of it out to him he does not want to hear about it. Well he listens for awhile and nods and agrees with everything. I see what you all say you go through and I am pretty much ready for the nasty to come out.. Wish there was another way. Any suggestions? bought him hard candy, sunflower seeds.. anything else? the worst thing is he is retired and home all day alone while I work. Hopefully once the weather gets better he can get back out in the garden..

    1. Annie,

      I would definitely recommend some herbal snuff. Hard candy and sunflower seeds are good to help take your mind off of it, but Smokey Mountain herbal snuff has been a life saver for me thus far. I would certainly give it a shot with that. I have tried a few different brands of herbal snuff, but for me, Smokey Mountain has been the tastiest.

      Hope it is going well for you!

      1. thank you Tyler! So far he has said he has not chewed since March 29th. I am so proud of him. I do not nag nor do I bring it up much. I will get him some of the Smokey Mountain stuff although he seem to be doing okay.

    2. Annie, I feel your pain. My husband has been lying to me for the better part of our 14 year marriage. I had no idea because he promised me when we got married that he was done. I trust (trusted) my husband because there has never been a reason not to and now I have no idea how to move forward. The only reason I found out was because we were doing blood tests for life insurance policies. WOW! The longer it has been since I found out, the more angry sad and resentful I am that he would do this to the person (and our child) that he was supposed to love the most in this world. More importantly to himself. I want him to be around for both of us and the memories we have yet to make. However, I have this incredible internal fight…I waited until I was 29 to get married, waited until I was 38 to have a child because I wanted to make sure the spouse I chose was honest and trusting. All of my instincts are to leave this marriage, because I have told myself I would never allow this strong woman to allow a man to control me like he has done during this time period. We were BEST friends! I know this website is about helping the “Addict” but can anyone tell me where I can go to talk to women who have been through the same thing as me. I feel like I need the help as much as he does if this marriage has a chance. If someone could respond, I would be grateful.

  44. My husband promised to quit, does, then starts again. I’m sick of the lies and deceit. I hate how weak he is and it’s making me hate him. I have no sympathy. He very clearly, does not value out marriage, or our family.

    1. I know how you feel JanK – or my wife does. But without knowing your husband at all, I wouldn’t say he “very clearly does not value your marriage or family” but I’d say he’s “very clearly an addict”. I realize it’s difficult to have sympathy, but realize that he’s dealing with something that if you’ve never done it, you can’t truly understand. Send him our way… he’ll be among people that know what he’s going through. http://forum.killthecan.org

      1. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have an “addiction”, so he will never come here to seek support. He quits if he wants, and starts back up because he wants to. After reading about the addiction and withdrawal symptoms, I can recognize that that’s not the case. He’s got the “it won’t happen to me” mentality, regarding cancer. It’s quite sad.

        1. Jank – I’m on Day 7 today. I’ve done exactly what your husband has done. My wife feels the same way you do.

          I can not speak for your husband, but I can share that I love my wife and kids with all of my heart. I’ve quit at times for long periods and then some trigger has sent me back. I finally realized it was time to stop. My wife is not supportive of my quit, as she does not understand the addiction, she does not smoke or drink. To her I should have never had this habit,. The fact that I hid it from her she takes as a trust and love issue.

          This is my struggle. I do love my wife and I respect her. When I read about addicts and learn more, I realize my actions have been those of an addict. I’d encourage your husband to read up on what an addict is.

          I hope your husband makes a decision to quit on his own, as that is the only way it will stick. I also hope you can find a way to be supportive of his quit if and when he makes that decision.

          I’m no role model, just a guy trying to finally get rid of this habit so I can be the husband, father and man I’ve always wanted to be.

          Dan P (Quit date 2/22/2014)

          FYI – I think this post may have been more for me than anyone else. Thanks for reading my story.

  45. Guys dont get down if your wife isnt as proud as you are of yourself. My wife has no clue how powerful this addiction is.She has never even had a smoke or a drink in her life. Anyway day 7 and Im as proud as a peacock

    1. Wife caught me chewing again behind her back. When she confronted me I was like a little kid in trouble and said no I wasn’t. She is understandably upset with me and even more for lying and saying no. I have quite in the past, sometimes almost for two years and I fall into the one dip won’t hurt but it always does. The last time I got caught she told me that she would divorce me if I continued. I do want to quit for myself by the way. But I picked it up again shortly after and hid it. She told me to tell her if I had the urge but it got a hold of me so quick I felt ashamed for starting again was afraid of the divorce so in my mind I knew I could quit on my own. I feel terrible for lying to her about it and now my marriage may be over

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